The daily drive
This one was written in October 2005 after a particularly difficult drive to work:
While my friend JD and his posse terrorize the wild critters of eastern Ontario on their annual nature hike, the rest of us are stuck in the real world, specifically in regard to today's topic... bad drivers. Now I'm not talking about the large SUV's being steered aggressively down the freeway by Billybob or his drinkin' buddy Beaucifous attempting to recreate the prior day's events at a large oval track somewhere in the southeastern United States, or the blue haired geriatric mistiming the weekly trek to the grocery store for restocking Ensure and Depends to accidental co-inside with the morning rush hour and creating the equivalent of a rolling road block in the fast lane.
No... and not to be politically incorrect... but you have seen this one in your travels. It is a she, probably between the age of 48-58, with a profile and haircut not unlike that of Fred Gwynne on a good day, a Benson & Hedges Ultra Cool Menthol 100 light dangling from her mouth, driving a 1987 beige rusted Plymouth mini-van with a "beep if you love Jesus" bumper sticker on the offset rear bumper. And here is the key to recognizing this breed... 1) they will always have both elbows on the steering wheel while driving and 2) you would probably have to set off a small thermonuclear device within a short distance to actually break the trance they appear to be in while driving. Also, whenever they approach a truck (lorry for you English types) , which they invariably do, they will do the following:
1. Tailgate it for at least 2 - 4 miles before realizing they are nearly attached to it's fender.
2. Proceed to overtake the offensive vehicle when at least 5 other vehicles are bearing down on them, making them all brake profusely to avoid creating the same incident that Billybob was working on in the last paragraph.
3. Realize the size differential between them and the large commercial vehicle they are attempting to overtake... and for reasons that defy logic... instead of stepping on the pedal on the right that increases velocity and would separate her from the offensive transporter, she goes into what I call the "truck-passing twilight zone" and simply begins to believe that time stands still and brings a cloak of invincibility as she passes by the over sized vehicle at a pace that Abe Zapruder could jog along side.
Okay.... I'm done... needless to say my commute this morning was not the best I've ever had....
While my friend JD and his posse terrorize the wild critters of eastern Ontario on their annual nature hike, the rest of us are stuck in the real world, specifically in regard to today's topic... bad drivers. Now I'm not talking about the large SUV's being steered aggressively down the freeway by Billybob or his drinkin' buddy Beaucifous attempting to recreate the prior day's events at a large oval track somewhere in the southeastern United States, or the blue haired geriatric mistiming the weekly trek to the grocery store for restocking Ensure and Depends to accidental co-inside with the morning rush hour and creating the equivalent of a rolling road block in the fast lane.
No... and not to be politically incorrect... but you have seen this one in your travels. It is a she, probably between the age of 48-58, with a profile and haircut not unlike that of Fred Gwynne on a good day, a Benson & Hedges Ultra Cool Menthol 100 light dangling from her mouth, driving a 1987 beige rusted Plymouth mini-van with a "beep if you love Jesus" bumper sticker on the offset rear bumper. And here is the key to recognizing this breed... 1) they will always have both elbows on the steering wheel while driving and 2) you would probably have to set off a small thermonuclear device within a short distance to actually break the trance they appear to be in while driving. Also, whenever they approach a truck (lorry for you English types) , which they invariably do, they will do the following:
1. Tailgate it for at least 2 - 4 miles before realizing they are nearly attached to it's fender.
2. Proceed to overtake the offensive vehicle when at least 5 other vehicles are bearing down on them, making them all brake profusely to avoid creating the same incident that Billybob was working on in the last paragraph.
3. Realize the size differential between them and the large commercial vehicle they are attempting to overtake... and for reasons that defy logic... instead of stepping on the pedal on the right that increases velocity and would separate her from the offensive transporter, she goes into what I call the "truck-passing twilight zone" and simply begins to believe that time stands still and brings a cloak of invincibility as she passes by the over sized vehicle at a pace that Abe Zapruder could jog along side.
Okay.... I'm done... needless to say my commute this morning was not the best I've ever had....
posted by Rich in Cincy | 6:11 PM
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