Tour de Farce

Dear Bro,

As you fondly remember from our days in the early 80's living in Paris, all of France would stop to stare at their televisions for the duration of July to watch hundreds of men with very little body fat peddle furiously through the provinces of France in an attempt to become the next champion cyclist in the "Tour de France".

Needless to say, all of the participants from our days in France have long retired to telling boring stories of their exploits to disinterested strangers in sidewalk cafes all around Europe, as they smoke Gauloises and/or Giantes and sip the adult beverage of their choice. Lets just forget about them for now, shall we?

But since you are sitting in the desert with sweat dripping from your eyebrows wondering when the dickens you get to come home, I figured you probably have not keep up to date with the current crop of riders. Thus here is a refresher:




This is a picture of last year's winner, Floyd Landis. He made a miraculous comeback on the final stage of the 2006 mountain phase after a total collapse the previous day. It was the stuff of legends!!! Unfortunately, it was also the stuff of a compulsory drug test, which he failed. Floyd claimed his innocence and said that the backup sample taken at the time would clear his good name. It didn't, and needless to say Floyd sat out this year's Tour. In fact, once the ruling body comes down with it's decision, Floyd could be the first winner to be stripped of his title. Way to go Floyd... U.S.A.!!! U.S.A.!!!! U.S.A.!!!!

This is Kazakhstan cyclist Alexander Vinokourov, who proved to be a gutsy rider this year in the Tour as he injured both knees early on but managed to win the first time trial and the 15th stage through the mountains. This is the stuff that Tour cyclists are made of!!!! Unfortunately, yesterday on July 24 it was announed that Vinokourov was also made of something illegal as he failed the doping test following his individual time trial victory. Following the announcement of the positive test, his whole team withdrew from the race and he left the Tour with his tail between his legs.



This nice Italian fellow is Christian Moreni, a rider for the European insurance company Cofidis team. Those two nice gentlemen on either side of him are commonly known as "gendarmes", who were given the honor of arresting Mr. Moreni after the results of his drug test from earlier in the race came to light. It appears Mr. Moreni's doping drug of choice is illegal in France and the nice gentlemen had several questions to ask Mr. Moreni in regards to this matter. Scandal and an Italian who doesn't play football? What are the odds?

And this is Danish rider Michael Rasmussen, who is seen here in the final days of this year's Tour wearing the Yellow jersey, meaning he is in the lead and on course to win. Too bad Rasmussen was removed by his team, Rabobank, after this stage, as the team cited internal code violations and fired him. Now between you, me and the wall, I personally thing it is kind of fishy that the person about to win the Tour de France is unceremoniously fired by his team and kicked off the Tour. It will leak out later, but my sources are telling me that he broke curfew one too many times...... yeah... that's it.....

And finally... this is Bernard Hinault.... he is a five time winner of the Tour de France between 1978 & 1985. He was known as the "
Badger" and was very intimidating to the point of arrogance. He is probably sitting at cafes, smoking Gitanes, and wondering what the hell happened to his beloved sport....