Seven Habits

Dear Bro,

In 1989 Stephen Covey published the book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" that was a huge success in the self help market. In short, it lists seven principles that, if established as habits, are supposed to help a person achieve true interdependent "effectiveness".

This is all well and good and I am sure Mr. Covey has helped many people, but lets face it... we are much more interested in talking about the really annoying things that people do rather than ways that they can better themselves to become better at corporate butt-kissing and whatnot...

So without further ado, my list of "Five Habits of Really Annoying People".

First habit – is the pacing cell phone driver. This is a recent phenomena of the last decade or so, but drivers all over the United States have taken to this status like a middle management Russian diplomat to a bottle of vodka. The pacing cell phone driver has no ability to properly drive a vehicle because they are so tied up in their conversation they are having about someone else's fashion faux-pas or the re-living of last night's Reds-Astros game. They are paying about as much attention to the road as the rest of America does to Katie Couric.

However, they all have one similar trait. When another car goes to overtake them on the highway they will start tagging along side the car, as this allows them to continue unabatedly in their enthralling conversation while ensuring that they are not required to pay attention to the road because they are assuming that you are. This species can be male or female and all it takes is a lack of common sense combined with a cell phone plan that is too liberal with monthly minutes.

Second habit – belongs to those in society who use the "self checkout" at supermarket without enough IQ points to operate it. Everyone is now familiar with the auto checkout stands that usually come in a cluster of four to allow a single store employee to stand watch to make sure you are not robbing the establishment blind while self-checking out.

If you enter the store during a busy time of day there is a high likelihood their will be a short line waiting to use the self checkout. This line will normally be composed of people giving each other exasperated looks or multitasking by checking their watch while tapping their right foot. Meanwhile, at the four express checkout lines are the following:

1. The individual who is trying to self checkout with a full cart, when the sign clearly says there is a 20 item limit. They are having trouble finishing because there is a scale in the bagging area that matches the weight of what you are bagging versus what you actually scanned and there is no room left in the bagging area for 1/2 the contents still in their cart.
2. An individual who cannot grasp the concept that the little UPC/barcode needs to face the glass plate for the sensor to be able to scan it.
3. The person who has produce and belatedly realizes that they have no idea how to scan something without a barcode and proceeds to start with mouth open at the monitor magically hoping the cantaloupe will somehow scan itself.
4. And my personal favorite, the individual who in seeing there is a lot of people waiting, enjoys their moment in the spotlight and commences to move in slow motion, almost in a slow motion like state with the only thing missing being the "da da da da da" sound effect in the background as they reenact the "Six Million Dollar Man" running scenes.

Third habit - People who treat retail employees like they are a lower form of life. Actually, there is already a special level of hell for these types. This is a large category, but can include everyone from the individuals who do not have the common courtesy to put down their cell phones while being assisted by a store employee to the ones who are just out-and-out nasty to someone who is being paid to assist them. We constantly hear about how poor customer service is. I think in some cases it is how poor the customer quality is....

Fourth habit - people ahead of you at the line in the bank who ask more questions than a border control agent to someone named Akeem Islam.

Lets face it, the line waiting for bank tellers takes a long time to get through as it is, however there always seems to be at least one or two individuals in the line ahead of you who are determined to perform a task other then either depositing a check or withdrawing cash. The probability of someone getting multiple cashier's checks, disputing charges on their bank statement, or attempting to refinance their house seems to increase tenfold if you are in a hurry or if there is more then two people in the line in front of you.

Fifth habit - people who express their opinion, and when you tell them your opposing view you can physically see their ears slam shut. This species is so prevelant that it probably includes relatives or even someone you consider a friend. The symptoms are quite easy to pick up on as this individual gives off many signals. When they are telling you their opinion the volume of their voice will increase, they will suddenly turn Italian and start using their hands, and they will stare you down like you stole their lunch money. When it is your turn to rebuke, you will notice that they are no longer making strong eye contact, most likely will interrupt you before you have completed the first sentence, and they are even louder in being dismissive of your stance. If very self-centered they will also use the tactic of changing the subject before you can complete your rebuttal.