Updated Classics: Romeo & Juliet get confused...

Dear Bro,

In honor of the impending Hallmark/Gibson Greets invented day we refer to as Valentine's Day I felt it important to again stimulate your gray matter with a choice literary achievement that I have borrowed and updated in my own familiar and distorted way. Today I bring you a current rendering of Act 2 Scene 2 of Bill Shakespeare's smash hit play, Romeo & Juliet.

Cast in this scene:
Romeo: played by Reverend Ted Haggard
Juliet: played by US Naval Captain Lisa Nowak

Capulet's Garden.

Enter Romeo. (Romeo seems fidgety and seems to be suffering from a runny nose)

Romeo:He jests at scars that never felt a wound.--

[Juliet appears above at a window. Her hair is disheveled but she appears calm]

But soft! what light through yonder window breaks? Is it that left wing commie newspaper bent on undoing all my good godly works?
NO! It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!-- Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
It is my lady; O, it is my love! Your features so fair, almost masculine... but in a female way.... definitely female..amen....

O that I were a glove upon that hand, That I might touch that cheek!

Juliet: Ah me! Come closer so I can see thee ... (Juliet is holding something in her hand)

Romeo: He speaks!.. errr.. She speaks... O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art As glorious to this night, being o'er my head,

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Capulet. But if reject me you must, then I swear to God I will cut your f$(&$#g #%(S's off!!!! Come closer my love....

Romeo: [Aside.] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this? Should I go closer, or is that swine Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC awaith my boding?

Juliet: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy. And trust me, you do not want me for an enemy!!!!
Take all myself. But shyness does not your person become, yet boldness should win the night and your nearness is dear to my presence (Juliet is shaking item in her right hand)

Romeo: I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptiz'd in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord Amen... Henceforth I never will be Romeo. (Romeo approaches closer to Juliet's balcony)

Juliet: What man art thou that, thus bescreen'd in night, So stumblest on my counsel? And why do you drooleth so while you stare?

Romeo: By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am, as my attorney doth wish. My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, because it is an enemy to thee, and to God. (Romeo gets closer)

Juliet: My ears have yet not drunk a hundred words, Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound; Art thou not Romeo (Juliet leans over the balcony and sprays a stream of liquid from a can directly into Romeo's face)

Romeo: AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! (Romeo falls to ground and writhes around like a snake dipped in tabasco sauce)

Juliet: Well, do not swear: although I joy in thee, I have no joy of this contract to-night;
It is too rash, too unadvis'd, too sudden;Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be. And you now the fate that awaits one from my scorn!!!

Romeo: O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? Alas fair maiden, if I wanted to be blinded, surely I could perform a task related to that event of my own doing....

Juliet: What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

Romeo: The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine. And put your hair in this ball cap while I am near. (Romeo starts to twitch uncontrollably)

Juliet: I gave thee mine before thou didst request it (Juliet sprays Romeo again but misses)
And yet I would it were to give again. (Juliet again sprays the can at Romeo but again he avoids it)

Romeo: Would'st thou withdraw it? I mean, what the $(@#*% is the deal with the pepper spray? Doeth my manner cause you sway, or my want of you to speaketh with tones of a male keep your true heart at bay? (Romeo stares at Juliet's waistline) What foul contraption hath kinfolk so cruel placed upon you?

Juliet: It is but a cover of cloth, a shell of cotton to symbolize the endurance of my love for thee, But to be frank and give it thee again. And yet I wish but for the thing I have...

I hear some noise within: dear love, adieu!--

[Military Policeman calls within.]

Anon, cruel MP's !--Sweet Montague, be true. Stay but a little, I will come again once I make bailment.

[Exit.]

Romeo: O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard, Being in night, all this is but a dream, except the burning of my eyes brings brightness to blessed events occurred. Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.

[A loud thud from the room behind the balcony, followed by loud muffled voices. Enter Juliet above.]

Juliet: Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed. Flee my site and return with a blessed advocate! My preference does lean that criminal law be of their speciality. Of that end,
A thousand times good night!

[MP's run onto balcony and tackle Juliet. They exit with her in restraints.]

Romeo: A thousand times the worse, to want thy light! Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books; But love from love, towards school with heavy looks, especially at the schoolboys with that special way they look.... alas, off to the college....

The end.....