Dear Steve Jobs...

Dear Bro,

While you are off trying to make deserts safe for democracy, Apple Computer made a couple of announcements.

1. They are changing their name from Apple Computer to just Apple. I envision a team of lawyers working for a certain record label that will go nameless writing legal documents as I am writing this.

2. They introduced the Iphone- a combination portable mobile phone, mp3 and video player, web browser ...etc.. Once this one-device-does-all introduction at the Vegas tech show was initiated Apple's stock price instantly drove up about 8%, creating a frenzy for both the potential customers who will buy this gizmo and the new pool of shareholders who think this will cause the company's value to keep climbing.

Since they have a lot of R&D (research & development) dollars sunk into designing this thing, I can only imagine that the geniuses in the marketing department have been charged with finding fresh markets to convince they can not live with out this product. So with that thought... I bring you some potential proposals for how Apple plans to continue their trek toward world domination....

I-Man: For the hip islamic user. Automatically calls for prayer six times a day. Has password protection features so only the owner can see that it is loaded with western music and Brittany Spears videos.

I-Rish: Comes in green only... duh!!!!

I-Robot: For the science fiction fans. Screen defaults to the 3 laws of robotics and is back is signed in a limited edition (about 40 million units) by the estate of Isaac Asimov. Can be programmed to simonize your car.

I-Ball: For blind people or, for the politically correct, sight challenged. Somehow manages to integrate braille into screen. Only comes in gray.

I Am-I Said: For the baby boomer generation. Each of the limited edition (again, around 40 million units) is personally autographed by Neil Diamond.

I-Daho: Designed in two colors -"hot pants" pink & "plastic halter" red. Comes complete with built in police scanner. To be marketed to prostitutes in Boise.

I-Rate: Comes in red only. Complete with pre-programmed phone numbers for all listed complaint lines within the United States.

I-Dol: Limited edition of 100 million units personally signed by Simon Cowell. Every other song it plays in shuffle mode is out of key. Additionally, phone function automatically goes into "message only" mode when "American Idol" is being televised in your time zone.

I-Ran: a real coupe! This one can be marketed to both the Farsi speakers of the world and anyone who happens to lace up a pair of running shoes every now and then. Or better yet, just use it to try an capture that huge Persian track and field market!

I-V: Nurses, Doctors, patients... this baby can cover the whole gamit. Health care professional version can include a mini-voice recorder for help in those continuous pesky lawsuits. The patient version includes speed dial numbers for hack lawyers waiting outside the hospital. This version can be sold for more than 4 times the amount of the regular I-Phone as the difference will be paid by the government.

I-Diot: To be advertised exclusively during the Jerry Springer Show. It in fact has less features then a normal I-Phone, but costs more. Expected to be the #1 seller of all the models.

I-Cicle: Sold in colder climates. Comes with enhanced GPS for those pesky white-out blizzards that occur from time to time. Has built in heating element to warm fingers. Comes in all available colors except white.

I-For An I: What better way to capture that fundamentalist Christian right market with their own I-Phone. If you try to load music or videos with questionable content (such as anything risker than either Pat or Debbie Boone) Jerry Falwell will pop up on the screen and wag his finger at you. Also automatically debits your bank account once a week with a sizable donation to your favorite evangelist.