Writing Class at work

Last week we had an optional writing class that we were able to attend as part of our continuing education here at my work. As part of the three hour session, we were each assigned a different type of business letter to write. My particular assignment was to write a letter to an employee who was constantly late for work, sloppy in appearance, and not as productive as the rest of the bunch. The catch was that it had to be a nice letter. As usual I had to put my own twist on it.

So here we go:

Dear George,

It is hard to believe that you have been with us for almost seven years as it feels like almost yesterday since you became a welcome addition to our small team. We sincerely hope that you are happy with your position and continue to grow with Spacely Space Sprockets as we face the new and exciting challenges ahead.

Mr. Spacely has asked me to assist you in becoming a more valued member of our management team, and, as HR director, I would be performing a disservice if I did not take the time to point out some areas of improvement that would assist you in better performing your duties here at Spacely Space Sprockets.

May I point out for your consideration that your normal working hours are 8:30 to 11:30 and by arriving and leaving on time allows us to properly synchronize our sprocket production quotas based on your availability to push your assigned button during this three hour period. Deviation from this schedule can have dire affects on our ability to thrive in the competitive machine gear market, and as you are well aware W.C. Cogswell & Co. would like nothing better than to take away some of our valued customers. I trust you understand the seriousness of this matter, as Mr. Spacely has taken time out of his day in the past to point this and other matters out to you on a regular basis, but as an organization we felt it important to document the issues so we could better address them with you and put them behind us.

In addition, it has been noted that on more than one occasion your office attire has not been up to company standards. Our dress attire scanner readouts from last month recorded three separate incidents where your white dress shirt had unacceptably high levels of food residue. As you are well aware, high levels of food residue can potentially cause a problem with the finger pressure of the production button you are required to push as part of your normal job duties. Even five minutes of lost production due to crumbs or other food items caught in the button could be detrimental to the future of our company, so we request that you take more care to ensure that your clothing meets the expectations of Spacely Space Sprockets. As a suggestion, a discussion with your automated housekeeping unit would go a long way to addressing this issue.

And finally, we have received several complaints from your in desk computer as to your lack of productivity and attention to consistently pushing your assigned button during your daily three hour shift. In particular, it has been noted that the daily events involving your wife and children, and at times even your pet dog, have been detracting from your ability to consistently depress the production button. I am also aware that Mr. Spacely himself has dragged you into several personal predicaments in the past, but I have received personal assurances from him that he will not do this in the future.

George, I sincerely hope you will take these matters to heart and can correct the problems outlined above. We here at Spacely Space Sprockets are willing to work with you and I hope you will take advantage of our "open automatic electronic door policy" to work with us in fixing these deficiencies. Again, thanks for your continued hard work and we look forward to a continued mutually beneficial relationship.

Sincerely,

Hal 9001
HR Director Model 821r3.2
Spacely Space Sprockets