The Lame Name Game

Back in 2002 when I was working for a company named Cincinnati Voice & Data the owner of the company, the Chief Operating Officer, and the sales manager went on an outing with a local advertising agency to sell to them an ad campaign to help drum up business for the company. They left me out of this particular event on purpose as they knew as the accounting controller for the company I would be against spending our tight cash flow on advertising on TV when our customer base was businesses, not individuals. But alas, after a limo ride and much champagne they agreed to an advertising agency "makeover" of the company.

It started with a new motto for the ad campaign. With the fanfare usually reserved for Celine Dion by misguided fans, they came to our offices and unveiled the new slogan for our launch into marketing infamy...

Midwest Voice and Data "Who do you want to talk to?"

Well, okay, changing from Cincinnati to Midwest made sense, so as to make us regional rather than local in our namesake, so I gave them kudos for that one. The slogan was kind of lame, in my opinion, but workable if they didn't make the TV commercial too lame (they did).

After another week they came back and said no... Midwest was too limiting to your growth potential and you should choose another name. Thinking toward the future, it sounded like a good idea. So after several weeks of waiting they sent us a list of potential names from their "creative genius" from New York for us to consider, all the while telling us that this guy had come up with the name change for a lot of successful companies. Okay now we are impressed. But I quickly became unimpressed when I saw the lame list of retreads they sent our way. My instant impression was that like some cars that are made on Monday morning or late Friday we got a list with the same provenance.

So I created the "lame name game", in which I took the list of these creative gems from the greatest marketing cerebrum and decided to see how to apply our "Who do you want to talk to?" motto... feel free to make your own additions/changes:

MVD LTD.- (Motor Vehicle Department, Limited) Who do you want to get your driver's license from?

IDEA MOVERS - Who do you want to think about? And where?

TRANSMIT AUTHORITY - Since MVD LTD wouldn't give you a driver's license, who's bus do you want to ride on?

SEMAFORE - Who's image digitizer for scanning electron microscopes do you want to look at?

STRAIGHTLINE COMMUNICATIONS - Who do you want to talk to? But no swearing please!

RADIANT SIGNAL - Who do you want to send electro magnetic waves to?

SQUAWKBOX - Who do you want to talk to on CNBC?

INTELLIGENESIS - Who do you want to spy on in the Old Testament?

POWERLINE - Hey baby, come here often?

SINEWAVE - Who do you want to learn geometry from?

CONNECTICITY - Who do you want to want to talk to in a misspelled New England state?

ALPHA - beta? Marco... polo?

MEDIUS - Who do you want to talk to at MEDIUS COMMUNICATIONS INC. 133 King St. East, 4th floor, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M5C 1G6Telephone- [416] 367-7710 Fax - [416] 367-7711

TECHTONICS - Who do you want to talk to during an earthquake?

PLATO - Who do you want to talk to at a toga party?

SKYLINE -Are you hungry? Who do you want to eat with?OR Alternatively Who do you want to get sued by for copyright infringement?

POLARIS - Who do you want to aim a sub-based Intercontinental Ballistic missile at?

ANDANTE - Who wants to listen to a Symphony that never really gets going?

OPEN CHANNEL - Hi, I'm fourteen and this is my first time talking on......

SYZYGY - Bless you!

VOX - Who do you want to speak to in Latin?

LIGHTSPEED - Who do you want to talk to while traveling 186,000 miles per second in a vaccum?

FOUR OAKS - Who do you want to play golf with in Pittsburg, Kansas?

ANNUNCIO - Who do you want to talk to at a company purchased by PeopleSoft on Jan. 11, 2002.

OUIJA - Of whom do you wish contact? Just put your hands right here on the board....

THE PIPELINE - Dude! Talk to someone dude!

CHRYSALIS - Butterflies.... Look at all the pretty butterflies...Who do you want to talk to now that you have a weekend pass?

LINGUA FRANCA - Ce person vole con parlar?

ISIS INFORMATION SERVICES -Who wants to learn about the Egyptian God of fertility.

ISIS - Okay then, fine... we'll just get a vasectomy.

ALGORHYTHM - I'm sorry, Al Gore has no rhythm!

TRIBUTARIUS - Who do you want to give your money to?

MAINSTREET - Bob Seger's number?... just a minute please.

MODUS OPERANDI - Grabbeth maximus cashius and runneth

MODUS - I give up.... Vivendi?

SYNCOPATION - With whom do you wish convers'n with?

VISIONQUEST - Mathew Modine? One moment please...

PENTAMETER - "To whom of personage is speaking of present a necessity?"

THUNDERHEAD - What do ya want? All the best names were taken... here's the $*@$^# phone.

PROXIMA CENTAURI - Carl Sagan? He's left the building.. can I take a message?

PROXIMA - Who would you like to talk near?

VECTOR - "You have clearance, Clarence" "Roger,Roger" "What's our vector, Victor?"

BOWSTRING - We want to make you quiver!

AURORA - We like the car so much, we bought the name.

AURORA BOREALIS - We like the car so much, we found a way to use the name without getting sued!

SEVEN HILLS COMPANY - with our divisons: Palatine, Aventine, Capitoline, Quarinal, Viminal, Esquiline and Caelian. Now you have someone to talk to!

FLAMENCO - Ole!

HERALD SQUARE - "Who do you want to talk to....big boy? (note: Herald Square NY near the turn of the century the square was the center of the very boisterous Tenderloin district. The area was filled with dance halls and bordellos)

HARDWIRE - Don't touch me there!!!!!

VIBE INC. - Who do you want to talk to? Okay, just lean back , close your eyes and sense their presence...

SERENGETI - Who do you want to talk to at Serengeti Systems Incorporated 812 W. 11th Street, 3rd Floor Austin, Texas 78701-2022 USA

KHAN - Who do you want to invade?

EPSILON - I didn't even know that Eps was a barber.

SMOKESIGNALS - Our motto is "if it's good enough for picking a pope, it's good enough for us!"

ELYSIAN FIELDS - Who do you want to talk to in Greek heaven?

MAESTRO - Who do you want to talk to that we even care about?

CVD - How much is this costing us??????

CHARLIE/VICTOR/DELTA - NOVEMBER/FOXTROT/WHISKEY

EXETER SYSTEMS - stage right

TELEPATHY - Who do you want to talk to? No, don't tell me, let me guess....

GRAPEVINE - Marvin Gaye, he's indisposed... can I put you in his voice mail.

WINGED MESSENGER - "Live in concert, with special guess act "Flightless sender"

MERCURY - a winged messenger

FANDANGO - ole! again

VELICITOR - On a serious note: The only original thing I've seen on this whole damn page... too bad I don't like it.

INFOCORPS : Join the Infocorps. Like the peace corps... only different. Sign up today!

MENTOR - Do you need help deciding who you want to talk to?

FORCE V - from Navarone: We will make you talk!

ALLEZ - Ve must run frum zee nastie French types!!!

NEURON NETWORK - Don't be nervous, tell us who you want to talk to...