Joe and Mich go "Bob Chainsaw Villa"

Dear Bro,

As you are well aware our little sister Michelle and her husband Joe have entered the realm of homeowners when they closed on their new home back earlier in January. Since they are young and full of energy rather than buying a house they could move right into they decided to stretch their dollars to buy a "fixer upper" and put some elbow grease into rebuilding their new home.

So on a rainy Sunday last weekend Melody and I went to visit the new abode. Here are the photos... and of course.... comments....

Here is the front of the house. It has sort of a mini-Graceland feel to it, except there is no shag carpet on any of the ceilings and as far as I could ascertain no one has ever died on one of the toilets in this place. Melody is grinning out of the front door, as we deviously plan how we steal the estate from my unsuspecting sibling....



So here is the happy couple taking a small break to mug for the camera. I happened to capture a moment in time before tragedy as right after this photo Joe made a very wise-ass comment to which Michelle responded by utilizing the spackle in the container she was holding to fill pretty much every orifice on Joe's body. Sorry... didn't have the heart to take a photo of that scene. Needless to say Joe managed to signal using his hands that he was very sorry before the ambulance hauled him away....

After the horrible aforementioned incident, Michelle acts like everything is normal and goes back to work on spackling the holes in the walls. Melody on the other hand is still waiting on my signal for her to tackle Michelle as part of our devious plan of domicile domination, however very wary of Michelle's obvious skill with the spackle brush.


This is a view from the dining room into the main front room of the house. Even though it did not really need it, Michelle has put the spackle to good use in trying to fill imaginary holes in all the walls. Now she knows how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
That is Joe's brother John kneeling by the front door. He is not really working on it. Michelle handcuffed him to it earlier in the day in a fit of rage.


After managing the escape the maniacal Michelle during another fit of rage we took this picture from the back of the house. Please note the ominous abattoir van parked out front. After receiving assurances that Michelle was "feeling much better now" we decided to take a chance and reenter the home....


Now that Michelle has settled down and Joe has returned from the hospital we all proceeded to gather in the front room. Note that mum is hiding behind the yellow mini-scaffolding still cautiously studying Michelle in case she again goes berserk. Note the green mold growing on the back wall... oh wait... that's paint... .never mind....

At this point Michelle invited us to go upstairs and see the bedrooms up there. We are obviously very reluctant due to her erratic behavior, the abattoir van parked out back, and the constant low moaning sound coming from the top of the stairs. But as Michelle is tightly gripping the spackling brush, we decide that discretion is the better part of valor and agree to ascend the staircase.

And we were right to be concerned. As you can see the main bedroom has nails sticking out from the roof in some form of mid 20th century satanic ritual torture device. Michelle manages to keep her cool this time as she explains to us that it is that way only because they decided to tear out all the hideous ceiling tiles, but by this point Melody and I are just plain skeptical at best. Notice the purple color, the color of Royality... someone of noble blood was obviously killed here in the past.....


After escaping Michelle's clutches we manage to back down the stairs and into the back left corner of the house. This is a bathroom on the left and the laundry hookup on the right, with the remaining area being some sort of staging area before wrapping up the bodies before taking them out back for eventually transportation in the abattoir van. We don't stay here long.....


And as we turn around to try to escape we see how they plan to carry out all of the numerous murders they are planning. It is only a quick trot from the back slaughter room to the garage, at which point you can easily back up the abattoir van to load and subsequently dispose of the evidence.

I know you are in Iraq but if you do not hear from any of us in the next few weeks then you know what happened. Contact the authorities....