Tour de Farce

Dear Bro,

As you fondly remember from our days in the early 80's living in Paris, all of France would stop to stare at their televisions for the duration of July to watch hundreds of men with very little body fat peddle furiously through the provinces of France in an attempt to become the next champion cyclist in the "Tour de France".

Needless to say, all of the participants from our days in France have long retired to telling boring stories of their exploits to disinterested strangers in sidewalk cafes all around Europe, as they smoke Gauloises and/or Giantes and sip the adult beverage of their choice. Lets just forget about them for now, shall we?

But since you are sitting in the desert with sweat dripping from your eyebrows wondering when the dickens you get to come home, I figured you probably have not keep up to date with the current crop of riders. Thus here is a refresher:




This is a picture of last year's winner, Floyd Landis. He made a miraculous comeback on the final stage of the 2006 mountain phase after a total collapse the previous day. It was the stuff of legends!!! Unfortunately, it was also the stuff of a compulsory drug test, which he failed. Floyd claimed his innocence and said that the backup sample taken at the time would clear his good name. It didn't, and needless to say Floyd sat out this year's Tour. In fact, once the ruling body comes down with it's decision, Floyd could be the first winner to be stripped of his title. Way to go Floyd... U.S.A.!!! U.S.A.!!!! U.S.A.!!!!

This is Kazakhstan cyclist Alexander Vinokourov, who proved to be a gutsy rider this year in the Tour as he injured both knees early on but managed to win the first time trial and the 15th stage through the mountains. This is the stuff that Tour cyclists are made of!!!! Unfortunately, yesterday on July 24 it was announed that Vinokourov was also made of something illegal as he failed the doping test following his individual time trial victory. Following the announcement of the positive test, his whole team withdrew from the race and he left the Tour with his tail between his legs.



This nice Italian fellow is Christian Moreni, a rider for the European insurance company Cofidis team. Those two nice gentlemen on either side of him are commonly known as "gendarmes", who were given the honor of arresting Mr. Moreni after the results of his drug test from earlier in the race came to light. It appears Mr. Moreni's doping drug of choice is illegal in France and the nice gentlemen had several questions to ask Mr. Moreni in regards to this matter. Scandal and an Italian who doesn't play football? What are the odds?

And this is Danish rider Michael Rasmussen, who is seen here in the final days of this year's Tour wearing the Yellow jersey, meaning he is in the lead and on course to win. Too bad Rasmussen was removed by his team, Rabobank, after this stage, as the team cited internal code violations and fired him. Now between you, me and the wall, I personally thing it is kind of fishy that the person about to win the Tour de France is unceremoniously fired by his team and kicked off the Tour. It will leak out later, but my sources are telling me that he broke curfew one too many times...... yeah... that's it.....

And finally... this is Bernard Hinault.... he is a five time winner of the Tour de France between 1978 & 1985. He was known as the "
Badger" and was very intimidating to the point of arrogance. He is probably sitting at cafes, smoking Gitanes, and wondering what the hell happened to his beloved sport....

Jumping the Shark...

Dear Bro,

There is an old TV term called "jumping the shark". Actually, Wikipedia does a good job in defining it:

"Jumping the shark is a metaphor for the tipping point at which a TV series passes its peak or introduces plot twists which are inconsistent with what has preceded them. Once a show has jumped the shark, the viewer senses a noticeable decline in quality or feels the show has undergone too many changes to retain its original charm.[1] The term derives from an episode of Happy Days in which Fonzie jumped over a shark while on water skis".

Now personally, I have been waiting for the last couple of years for this whole "reality" TV business to jump the shark. I know the networks love it because they don't have to pay huge dollars to produce sitcoms or dramas with overpaid actors, however for the average viewer (aka - me) it has gone beyond irritating and into the "boycott television" phase. Watching staged reactions of annoying people put into idiotic predicaments ranks right up there with a good herbal enema or a 5 hour root canal on my personal scale of enjoyment.

I thought we were jumping the shark about two years ago when some lame network executive tried to boost the incredibly asinine concept of a young lady trying to figure out which of the aging balding men in a group was in fact her father. I think it was pulled before it started because I could not find any reference on the web for it, however it would have definitely been "great white hopping" material if it had made it onto the airwaves.

Now I think we are there...

CBS is proud to present on Wednesday nights in the upcoming season: KID NATION !!!!

This is how they describe it:

40 children, 40 days, no adults—eager to prove they can build a better world for tomorrow in the new reality series KID NATION. Settling in Bonanza City, New Mexico, once a thriving mining town but now deserted, these kids, ages 8 to 15 and from all walks of life, will build their own new world, pioneer-style. They will confront grown-up issues while coping with the classic childhood emotions of homesickness, peer pressure and the urge to break every rule. Episodes end with a town meeting in which the kids award one child a gold star worth $20,000, all leading to the grand finale, with an unimaginable test, the biggest awards and a special surprise for every child.

All I can say in response to this obvious stroke of insanity:

"Shoot me now !!!"

It is bad enough that we have to embarrass and shame adults for fun and profits in this realm called "Reality", but nooooooooooo.... that isn't enough is it... they have a better idea... let's scar some kids for life in the never ending quest for TV ratings. Better yet, lets make sure they have very little guidance....

I mean, lets face it, most viewing content involving children running things usually is wholesome entertainment that is perfect for a night of view with the family. For example:

Lord of the Flies: yup, the one where the kids are trapped on an island and form a strong bond via a counch shell and a pair of eyeglasses ... probably a lot like this Kid Nation business is going to be like... oh wait... I forgot... this one doesn't turn out that good, does it....

Children of the Corn: This fun little ditty involves religion and children as a kid preacher named Isaac goes to a farm town and gets all the kids there to kill all the adults.... oh wait... that doesn't end well either....

Oh well... I think you get the picture....

Frenemies...

Dear Bro,

It appears that with the "in" people now-a-days it is common to have what is referred to as a "frenemy", someone who courted as a friend but (in the case of Hollywood) says nasty things about your behind your back.

Gee... I though that was just what friends do in Hollywood....

So in the interest of keeping up with this hip dynamic culture that we live in I have decided that we need to introduce some new terms into the English language so we can properly express our
thoughts to each other with a minimum of words.

"Turger" - Lets start with a real easy one, this is a turkey burger, something a soldier like yourself in Iraq going to see about as often as a commanding officer leaving a forward operating base in anything other than a helicopter.

"Realony" - A nice combination of Reality TV and baloney and/or phony ... don't really have to say anything else about this one, do I?

"Chillax" - Chill and relax, courtesy of local Cincinnati attorney Deb Adams, or actually, courtesy of her teenage children.

"Jed Bull" - It appears the hip younger generation like to take Jagermeister and mix it with a Red Bull energy drink. I tried a sip at a wedding last weekend, and it struck me that this is what flat Mr. Pibb mixed with bleach would probably taste like... ah... those wacky Gen-Xers.....

"Morg-gage" - A mash up of a morgue and a mortgage because based on the amount of loans that are going to default over the next two or three years, there is going to be some seriously high default rates and subsequent foreclosures.

"Parisole" - Parole, Paris Hilton style, which means you manage to get released from prison after less than 48 hours due to excessive crying and fit throwing only to have the mean old judge send you back to finish your original sentence.

"Spail" - This term should replace "junk mail" as lets face it... junk mail is basically spam that the USPS deliver to your door on a daily basis.

"Dristening" - Dreaming and listening at the same time. This is the one where you are telling someone something important but their eyes are more glassy then the cast of the first season of SNL.