Hold Still !!!!!!

WHY I ONLY TAKE PICTURES OF GUIDO WHILE HE IS LAYING DOWN.....

Quote from a famous moment in history

Dear Bro,

I was reading the other day and came across the explanation of the quote by Alexander Graham Bell to Mr. Watson regarding the very first statement made over a phone line. According to my source, Mr. Bell was going over some great Shakespearean quote to use as the first words to be spoken through the device when he knocked over some acid onto himself, to then blurt out the famous "Come here Mr. Watson, I want to see you. "

Quite believable as I always leave large volumes of flesh dissolving acid lying around within reach of my telephone. Why just the other day I was telling Melody how silly it was of me to leave the large beaker of hydrochloric acid next to the family room phone as she was wrapping gauze around the third degree burns the had consumed the majority of the skin on my right forearm after I had absent-mindedly reached for it without taking into account the inherent dangers of chemical burns that go along with modern telecommunications. What was even more maddening was that the call was from a telemarketer trying to sell telephony acid burn insurance policies.

And the thing about quoting Shakespeare. Most disappointing for someone who was originally born in Scotland. You would think he could take a day off and trot down to the local library to find a nice little ditty by the likes of oh... I don't know... maybe Sir Walter Scott, Robert Burns, William Dunbar, or David Hume.. and in a pinch... Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or Robert Louis Stevenson. But William Shakespeare? It might be a good thing he was a klutz, because any self respecting Scotsman would have pummeled him with a walking stick at the soonest moment the opportunity presented itself.

Additionally, Thomas Watson later explained that quote about the spilled acid was in fact a story and that it may have happened on a different day. Interesting, then if Mr. Bell had not spilled acid on himself that day then why on earth would he use the phrase "Come here Mr. Watson, I want to see you" into the phone in the first place rather than a more Shakespearean "My trusted Watson, make your appearance thus, and sated shall be thee" which would have made the first statement more memorable and saved him a proper thrashing from his fellow Gaelic kinsman to boot.

Or it could be that he really did "want" Mr. Watson.... hhhmmmm..........

Tuesday's Great White Death (Part Two)

When we last saw our heroine, Melody, she had just beaten 60-odd agitated passengers to a seat on the last flight out of Charlotte, NC that was traveling north of the Mason Dixie line. I was still scanning the internet at home for any change in flight status, as I had a gut feeling I might be looking for a hotel room in the Charlotte area for Melody to occupy overnight.

The storm continued on it's trek across Cincinnati, with significant ice and snow piling up outside my home office window. I knew it would be a difficult journey as I by no means lay any claim to being skilled at driving on snow/ice covered roads. My greatest hope was that everyone else had enough sense to stay off of them. As the appointed time came closer I waited for Melody to call and let me know she was boarding the plane, so at that point I could bundle up and head south to CVG. So I sat and waited....

5:10 pm The call came. Melody has boarded the last flight leaving Charlotte for the land of German sausage and weak beer. Plus as confirmation I could here the monotone announcements of the ever-excited flight attendant telling the lucky few to tune off all electronic devices at this time. Thus ended the 30 second notification call lest Ms. Monotone comes rushing down the aisle and throws Melody off the 50 seat cigar tube US Air planned on relocating to Cincinnati in the next 1 1/2 hours....


And now began my drive/slide to the airport. I checked the local traffic system online to find the best route. The main artery, I-75, to the airport in Kentucky had this minor problem of live electrical wires laying across it near the St. Bernard exit, so the Hamilton County Sheriff's department was quite adamant that no occupied vehicles make contact with these "live wires" less the occupied vehicles become unoccupied vehicles without the occupants actually leaving the vehicle. Or something like that.....

My only other alternative was to take the I-275 "ring-road" to the west of town and cross into Indiana, then back into Kentucky to get to the airport. The probably of more ice and snow on the road was higher, but as the other direction was closed to all traffic till further notice, I really did not have much choice. On top of that, there was an accident to the west of my exit, so I would have to take the back roads over to the next exit ramp at Colerain Ave to start my trek.

I put on the foul weather gear, step into the garage and pushed the opener. Looking out onto my driveway I felt like I was staring at my icebox, except now we have the non-frosting kind of freezer, so I guess it was like looking at an icebox I had about 10 years ago. Not good.....

I get out of the drive and up my street to the stop sign. Looking both ways, I see that the roads are pretty devoid of cars. Plenty of ice, but few cars.... I turned right on the main road and then took a side street down to get to the Colerain Ave exit. This is the part where JoeBob in his Black Dodge Dakota pickup comes racing down the ice rink/road to lodge on my back bumper like a deer after a well stocked tomato garden. Now my blood pressure is through the roof as I am crawling at twenty miles an hour on a sheet of ice with blue collar comedy tour guy yapping on his cellphone about how badly I am driving as he rides my tail with one hand on the wheel in conditions better suited to slapshots then leisurely drives through the countryside.

After about 15 minutes of crawling along local roads I managed to ditched my escort and get on to I-275. It was less icy on the freeway but the combination of ice and snow mixed with accumulated slush did not endear me with high hopes this was going to be an easy ride. That and the fact there was an impressive collection of cars, minivans, & SUV's collected in the median of the highway helped to reinforce this theory....

Needless to say, after about 30 minutes of white knuckle sliding, I crossed into Indiana and noticed that the ice had lessened the further south I got. Good news for Melody because there was a snowballs chance in hell that her plane would land if she was attempting to come into any airport ten miles north of the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky airport.

6:30 pm: I arrive at the airport. The roads are still passable in northern Kentucky but as the sun is setting the temperature is dipping, and the conditions were getting worse. The local radio station that I am tuned into keeps repeating the same thing: "if you don't need to be out on the roads this evening then just stay home. " I wonder to myself if they have to write this down for the announcer in large block letters or if his educational background has allowed him to develop a good enough set of logicial thinking skills that he could generate this dribble on his own.

I am early as Melody's flight does not arrive for another half an hour, so I head for my work office and load up a bag of items to work on in case this storm lasts a few more days, or in the worst case, we slide off the road and no one sees us for hours/days I can burn the paperwork to keep warm.... Hey.... stranger things have happened.....

7:03... US Air 2244 comes into view as it taxis up toward gate #7 at Terminal 2. The terminal is fairly empty as US Air shares it with United and American, and since most of their flight originate from an almost shut down Chicago there are very few brave souls tempting fate in hopes of a ticket out of Porkopolis tonight. I wait at the gate as Melody comes into the main terminal and gives me a big hug. It has been a long day for her. We proceed to baggage claim while chatting about the impending slide home.

7:18 We now have Melody's bag safely in the car and I explain that even though the roads look clear here in Kentucky they are in fact quite icy and will become more so as we go further north. Melody will never claim to be the calmest rider on the planet, but if we had a blood pressure gauge available at this point I think I would have won that contest. As we are leaving the parking lot there is an airport maintenance vehicle blocking half the exit road with it's emergency lights flashing. Behind it is a fallen portion of a tree that an airport employee is trying to cut up with a chainsaw, as the tree's branches could not handle all the ice that had accumulated on the branches and had broken off only to fall into the road. We notice that all the trees in the area are ice coated and I make sure I stay in the lane furtherest from any of the pretty but dangerous dangling branches.

7:23 The "stay off the roads" well educated guy on the radio informs us that the power lines are cleared and I-75 is now open. We decide to take I-275 east to I-75 and go straight through Cincinnati as the roads might be a little more clear then they were in Indiana.

7:28 We come off the ramp from I-275 East to I-75/71 North. Traffic is fairly light for this time of night but there are enough cars on the road to make me nervous about another potential JoeBob encounter.

7:40 As we slide over the suspension bridge into Cincinnati I notice there is no traffic to speak of coming down the "cut in the hill". I comment to Melody that this is strange... good for us... but strange as there are plenty of cars ahead of us. In about 10 more minutes the Harvard radio dude informs us that there has been a serious accident involving a tractor-trailer rig at the I-275 at I75/71 junction in northern Kentucky and that all lanes are blocked. That would explain it.

8:25 After much sliding and avoiding other cars we make it home safely. I am exhausted.

The next day I am watching CNN and they mention an accident in Kentucky caught on a police car dash-cam. If you look at the picture on the left you will see that the time on the video was 19:30:55, or 7:30pm. I saw this on the news all day on Wednesday before it registered that it was the intersection we had past through only a minute or two before hand on the way back from the airport.


Now I know why there was no traffic behind me.....

Tuesday's Great White Death (Part One)

Dear Bro,

I don't know if you remember from your days here in Cincinnati, but anytime there is a hint of snow the local population transform into a hysterical frenzied mob of apocalyptic seers all fretting the approaching storm, lovingly referred to as the "white death". This passion is flamed by the numerous local TV network affiliates who constantly broadcast teasers about a "major storm" coming our way followed by extended news coverage by serious speaking weather people who try to estimate the extent of the impending doom. I would shake my head in shame at how we act as a city, but if I did I would have to take my eyes off the TV for a minute and possibly miss an important detail of the weather forecast....

And thus we went through this ritual last Monday night - Tuesday morning as a sheet of ice descended onto the Tri-state area. (Ohio-Kentucky-Indiana) By 2:00am on Monday it began snowing with accumulations of about 1-3 inches of snow, more to the north (Ohio,Indiana) then to the south (Kentucky). However, starting early in the morning it started turning into that dreaded "mixed precipitation", which means a healthy dose of freezing rain and sleet. And of course, this was the day that Melody was flying back from North Carolina after visiting Mandy and the kids for a four day trip.

Melody was originally scheduled to fly into Dayton at 9:00pm that evening, however this winter storm was scheduled to run all day and into Tuesday night, thus making the likelihood of this flight occurring being about the same odds as Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken vacationing together in the south of Spain. Attempts to contact US Air by phone prove quite futile, as their switchboard was overflowing with other panicked passengers who had also come to the realization that they were going to have difficulty in reaching their respective destinations. Thus, Melody had our son-in-law Scottie fire up the old minivan and take her to New Bern airport about five hours early, so she could barter with US Air in person to try and beat the storm before if shut down every airport in the Ohio valley.

After much wrestling and $25 poorer, US Air managed to get her on a flight to Charlotte at noon with a connection to Dayton running arriving at 4:20pm. As I work at the Cincinnati Airport, I had decided to work at home as 1) the weather was terrible and 2) since my workplace was 35 miles to the south and Dayton Airport was 40 miles to the north I did not feel like driving a gross total of 150 miles in some of the worst conditions we had seen in some time. Plus, I have a office in the third bedroom of the house, which allowed me to work without taking over the kitchen table for the day....

Melody called me after she arrived in Charlotte and gave me the number of her next flight. So I jumped online and pulled up the flight status from US Air's website:

FLIGHT: 2244

Depart: Charlotte, NC	Arrive: Dayton, OH
Date 2/13/2007	Date 2/13/2007
Gate E3	Gate C4
Scheduled 14:55	Scheduled 16:20
Actual	Actual
Status	Status

Looking good, I check the road conditions up I-75 to Dayton. According to the local Dayton news channels it is snow covered but passable with no accidents at the time. I figured I could run up there to beat the rush hour and maybe have dinner with Melody while all the other cars clear the roadways before we head home. About 1/2 hour later I check the status again...

FLIGHT: 2244

Depart: Charlotte, NC	Arrive: Dayton, OH
Date 2/13/2007	Date 2/13/2007
Gate E3	Gate C4
Scheduled 14:55	Scheduled 16:20
Actual 15:30	Actual 16:55
Status	Status

So I grab the phone and call Melody on her cell. It appears they have not yet posted this information, but within a few minutes the info is displayed on the board at gate E3. A collective groan can be clearly heard over the line.

I do a quick recalculation in my head. I can still miss most of the rush hour if I leave a little early, but I really wanted to make sure her plane got in the air before I ventured out into weather as bad as this.

I check the website again....

FLIGHT: 2244

Depart: Charlotte, NC	Arrive: Dayton, OH
Date 2/13/2007	Date 2/13/2007
Gate	Gate
Scheduled 14:55	Scheduled 16:20
Actual	Actual
Status	Status

Strange... the gate and status are gone???? I hit refresh.....

FLIGHT: 2244

Depart: Charlotte, NC	Arrive: Dayton, OH
Date 2/13/2007	Date 2/13/2007
Gate	Gate
Scheduled	Scheduled
Actual	Actual
Status Cancelled	Status Cancelled

I grab the phone and call Melody.

"Honey, what does the board at E-3 say."

"It still says we are leaving at 3:30."

"Get out of your chair and get to the ticket counter now. Your flight just got canceled."

With that Melody hunted down the "service center" and got in line. She was third. After about a five minute wait she was assisted. Just before she got to the counter the phone rang and she clearly heard them state that Dayton and Columbus flights were just canceled. As well, they requested that additional personnel be sent to the "service center" desk.

Melody made the statement: "Dayton just got canceled." to which the agent replied in a low tone "yup". After some discussion she managed to grab the last seat on the Cincinnati flight leaving at 5:30. The agent seemed to become more agitated as they spoke, stating that Melody had to "surrender" her seat on the later Dayton flight she was booked on and there was no guarantee that her luggage would make it. Melody had already figured out based on her conversations with me that there would be no "later Dayton flight" and it is very easy to pick up luggage later when there is not a foot of snow descending on local airports. Thus the agreement was struck and Melody had a seat on the 5:30 to Cincinnati.

When she turned around she noticed the reason for the change in the US Air employee's tone. The cancellations had been posted and the line in front of the counter now contained the better part of sixty very disturbed passengers with nowhere to go.

END OF PART ONE.

Very Punny

Dear Bro,

Someone sent me this list last October. Heck... it could have been you for all I remember. However, it is funny so I am reposting it here...

Top 20 Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's not unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .....( this is so bad, it’s good)......................... a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Updated Classics: Romeo & Juliet get confused...

Dear Bro,

In honor of the impending Hallmark/Gibson Greets invented day we refer to as Valentine's Day I felt it important to again stimulate your gray matter with a choice literary achievement that I have borrowed and updated in my own familiar and distorted way. Today I bring you a current rendering of Act 2 Scene 2 of Bill Shakespeare's smash hit play, Romeo & Juliet.

Cast in this scene:
Romeo: played by Reverend Ted Haggard
Juliet: played by US Naval Captain Lisa Nowak

Capulet's Garden.

Enter Romeo. (Romeo seems fidgety and seems to be suffering from a runny nose)

Romeo:He jests at scars that never felt a wound.--

[Juliet appears above at a window. Her hair is disheveled but she appears calm]

But soft! what light through yonder window breaks? Is it that left wing commie newspaper bent on undoing all my good godly works?
NO! It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!-- Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
It is my lady; O, it is my love! Your features so fair, almost masculine... but in a female way.... definitely female..amen....

O that I were a glove upon that hand, That I might touch that cheek!

Juliet: Ah me! Come closer so I can see thee ... (Juliet is holding something in her hand)

Romeo: He speaks!.. errr.. She speaks... O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art As glorious to this night, being o'er my head,

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Capulet. But if reject me you must, then I swear to God I will cut your f$(&$#g #%(S's off!!!! Come closer my love....

Romeo: [Aside.] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this? Should I go closer, or is that swine Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC awaith my boding?

Juliet: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy. And trust me, you do not want me for an enemy!!!!
Take all myself. But shyness does not your person become, yet boldness should win the night and your nearness is dear to my presence (Juliet is shaking item in her right hand)

Romeo: I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptiz'd in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord Amen... Henceforth I never will be Romeo. (Romeo approaches closer to Juliet's balcony)

Juliet: What man art thou that, thus bescreen'd in night, So stumblest on my counsel? And why do you drooleth so while you stare?

Romeo: By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am, as my attorney doth wish. My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself, because it is an enemy to thee, and to God. (Romeo gets closer)

Juliet: My ears have yet not drunk a hundred words, Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound; Art thou not Romeo (Juliet leans over the balcony and sprays a stream of liquid from a can directly into Romeo's face)

Romeo: AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! (Romeo falls to ground and writhes around like a snake dipped in tabasco sauce)

Juliet: Well, do not swear: although I joy in thee, I have no joy of this contract to-night;
It is too rash, too unadvis'd, too sudden;Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be. And you now the fate that awaits one from my scorn!!!

Romeo: O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? Alas fair maiden, if I wanted to be blinded, surely I could perform a task related to that event of my own doing....

Juliet: What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

Romeo: The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine. And put your hair in this ball cap while I am near. (Romeo starts to twitch uncontrollably)

Juliet: I gave thee mine before thou didst request it (Juliet sprays Romeo again but misses)
And yet I would it were to give again. (Juliet again sprays the can at Romeo but again he avoids it)

Romeo: Would'st thou withdraw it? I mean, what the $(@#*% is the deal with the pepper spray? Doeth my manner cause you sway, or my want of you to speaketh with tones of a male keep your true heart at bay? (Romeo stares at Juliet's waistline) What foul contraption hath kinfolk so cruel placed upon you?

Juliet: It is but a cover of cloth, a shell of cotton to symbolize the endurance of my love for thee, But to be frank and give it thee again. And yet I wish but for the thing I have...

I hear some noise within: dear love, adieu!--

[Military Policeman calls within.]

Anon, cruel MP's !--Sweet Montague, be true. Stay but a little, I will come again once I make bailment.

[Exit.]

Romeo: O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard, Being in night, all this is but a dream, except the burning of my eyes brings brightness to blessed events occurred. Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.

[A loud thud from the room behind the balcony, followed by loud muffled voices. Enter Juliet above.]

Juliet: Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed. Flee my site and return with a blessed advocate! My preference does lean that criminal law be of their speciality. Of that end,
A thousand times good night!

[MP's run onto balcony and tackle Juliet. They exit with her in restraints.]

Romeo: A thousand times the worse, to want thy light! Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books; But love from love, towards school with heavy looks, especially at the schoolboys with that special way they look.... alas, off to the college....

The end.....

A Little Quiz

Dear Bro,

As you know we received this email to send information about ourselves to the parties copied. Whereas I will do this as part of being a concerned brother, I also have to do a version for the blog....

Participate with me on this. This is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun! Just give in and do it. Copy, not forward, this entire e-mail and paste it into new email. Change all the answers so that they apply to you then send this to a whole bunch of people you know Cc'ing the person who sent it to you. Put your name in the subject. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends/family.

1. FULL FIRST NAME? Field Marshall Douglas Haig ,1st Earl Haig KT GCB OM GCVO KCIE ADC

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not bloody likey! Don't be so crass, man!

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? WHAP! (sound of walking stick hitting you over the head) As an officer of his Majesty's Army I resent the insinuation, Sir!

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Of course I like my bloody handwriting! What kind of fool questionnaire is this poppycock!

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Bully beef, good enough for the common soldier, good enough for their commander.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF? If they were an officer, yes.

7. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? I keep my memoirs for posterity.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? WHAP! (sound of walking stick hitting you over the head again) Next question!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE? Do I look bloody Indian to you??????

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Wheatabix

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? WHAP! (sound of walking stick hitting you over the head once again) Of course not you stupid git! I wear laced boots at all times. Must look proper for the boys what not!

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I am this close to giving you the proper thrashing you deserve!!!!!

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Oh! That would be chocolate. With sprinkles... or one of those new fangled Cadberry confectioneries....

14. SHOE SIZE? I wear a no.# 9 Boot.

15. RED OR PINK? WHAP! (sound of walking stick hitting you over the head yet again) Red I should think....

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? As a General of his Majesty's armed forces there is nothing unfavorable about my person.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Certainly not that bounder Lloyd George, what a peasant of a man he is....

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Of course bloody not, I want them to charge the huns like good soldiers!

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? WHAP! (sound of walking stick hitting you over the head for the umptenth time) My uniform is brown you miserable sod!

20. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? I had a nice cut of lamb not half an hour ago.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My staff officers giving their daily boring lectures about the front.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? WHAP! (sound of walking stick hitting you over the head as you bleed profusely from the numerous welts you have sustained) Proper questions man! Who wrote this dribble!

23. FAVORITE SMELL? The smell of cordite in the morning.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Bloody thing hasn't worked in five days. I have absolutely no recollection.

25. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? I am a Field Marshall. People do not like me and I do not like them. I am either respected or feared. Attraction has no place in a soldier's life.

26. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Of course I don't bloody like them!

27. FAVORITE DRINK? A nice brandy.

28. FAVORITE SPORT? Well, since they outlawed bull baiting I don't really follow any sporting ventures.

29. EYE COLOR? Brown

30. HAT SIZE? 7

31 DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? What the bloody hell are contacts? Speak english, man! WHAP!

32. FAVORITE FOOD? Well, my cook Corporal Dangham does make a passable Beef Wellington.

33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? You are a bounder! What the dickens are you talking about?

34. WHAT COLOR ARE YOU WEARING? WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! (sound of walking stick hitting you over the head repeatedly as you slip into unconsciousness)

35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, much better for offensives.

36. HUGS OR KISSES? Well my dear boy, if no one is looking....

37. FAVORITE DESSERT? Spotted Dick

38. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? The entire BEF if I order it!

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? "How to beat Jerry" by Marshall Joffe and Sir John French

41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE ? Sargent!!! I thought I told you to take care of the mouse problem in this tent. WHAP! (sound of walking stick hitting enlisted man) And by the way, what happened to question 40? Did they not teach you how to count? WHAP! (sound of walking stick hitting you once again)

42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? WHAP! (another stroke from the cursed stick) English, man! TV? What are you, a German spy? Stop speaking gibberish!

43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? 2 to 4 hours of constant artillery.

44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I am not a fan of insects. Damdable creatures! Must go with the rock.

45. THE FARTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Not much further than the Somme, but that will change during the coming offensive!

46. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Sending the lads off against the hun.

47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Edinburgh, Scotland

48. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? WHAP! We are at war and you want me to share intelligence. Are you daft, man!

49. FAVORITE RESTAURANT? WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!

A quick hello from family

Dear Bro,

Met with Dad, Jenny, & Michelle for breakfast today. Took a picture for you....