The Criminal Problem
Dear Bro,
This type of story seems to be more and more common nowadays. In fact, one can barely turn on a TV news channel without a smirking anchor reading the following blurb from a nearby tele-prompter:
or...
"A suspected thief in Silver Springs, Fla. spent 10 hours stuck in an air shaft at a Marion County convenience store that authorities believe he intended to burglarize. Deputies said the man removed an air conditioning cover at a CVS store Monday night and tried to enter the store through the shaft, but became trapped. Tuesday morning he began crying for help and when firefighters arrived, they found him with his hands over his head and feet dangling stuck in the shaft above the women's room.It took firefighters an hour and a half to rescue him. He suffered minor cuts and treated at an area hospital. The suspect was charged with commercial burglary, possession of burglary tools and felony criminal mischief. Online records with the Florida Department of Corrections indicate he had previous convictions in South Florida for burglary and drug-related crimes."
So what can we conclude from this sorry state of affairs in our nation as criminals continue to run rampant?
Easy, one simple solution to the theft problem: make sure anyone convicted of any type of stealing (grand laceny, armed robbery, petty theft, shoplifting... etc) has to serve a one year sentence at a "skinny farm". While serving this sentence, the convicted felon is put on a high fat, high calorie diet. In fact, they should open a prision "McDonalds" that is open 24/7 for the prisoner to come and "chow down" to their heart's content whenever they feel like it. Additionally, remove all exercise equipment and put individual televisions with chaise lounges and complementary snack food (twinkies, candy.. you get the picture) in each cell. All diet sodas will be banned as sugary drinks are the order of the day.
So, after the completion of a year's sentence, the typical thief, 5-9, 160lbs, strung out on drugs, and stealing for the next fix comes out as a 5-9, 280lb chunk of blubber that 1) couldn't even climb a ladder to get stuck in duct work anywhere and 2) could be chased down by a 5-6 220lb police officer who has spent too much time in Dunkin' Donuts for his own good.
Granted, the cost of socialized health care in this country would skyrocket due to the fact none of the overweight ex-cons would be able to get jobs or afford health insurance on their own, but hey, who would you rather have their hand in your pocket, a criminal or the U.S. government?
This type of story seems to be more and more common nowadays. In fact, one can barely turn on a TV news channel without a smirking anchor reading the following blurb from a nearby tele-prompter:
"Today in Denton, Texas, a man who was running from the cops got stuck in a drain pipe.
Rescue crews had to be called in to pull him out of the pipe in this suburb of Dallas.
Police say that the unidentified man crawled into the pipe while they were chasing him after they allege that he burglarized a home.
Crews had to cut the pipe to pull him out. It took more than 10 hours to free him and he wasn’t seriously injured."
"A suspected thief in Silver Springs, Fla. spent 10 hours stuck in an air shaft at a Marion County convenience store that authorities believe he intended to burglarize. Deputies said the man removed an air conditioning cover at a CVS store Monday night and tried to enter the store through the shaft, but became trapped. Tuesday morning he began crying for help and when firefighters arrived, they found him with his hands over his head and feet dangling stuck in the shaft above the women's room.It took firefighters an hour and a half to rescue him. He suffered minor cuts and treated at an area hospital. The suspect was charged with commercial burglary, possession of burglary tools and felony criminal mischief. Online records with the Florida Department of Corrections indicate he had previous convictions in South Florida for burglary and drug-related crimes."
So what can we conclude from this sorry state of affairs in our nation as criminals continue to run rampant?
Easy, one simple solution to the theft problem: make sure anyone convicted of any type of stealing (grand laceny, armed robbery, petty theft, shoplifting... etc) has to serve a one year sentence at a "skinny farm". While serving this sentence, the convicted felon is put on a high fat, high calorie diet. In fact, they should open a prision "McDonalds" that is open 24/7 for the prisoner to come and "chow down" to their heart's content whenever they feel like it. Additionally, remove all exercise equipment and put individual televisions with chaise lounges and complementary snack food (twinkies, candy.. you get the picture) in each cell. All diet sodas will be banned as sugary drinks are the order of the day.
So, after the completion of a year's sentence, the typical thief, 5-9, 160lbs, strung out on drugs, and stealing for the next fix comes out as a 5-9, 280lb chunk of blubber that 1) couldn't even climb a ladder to get stuck in duct work anywhere and 2) could be chased down by a 5-6 220lb police officer who has spent too much time in Dunkin' Donuts for his own good.
Granted, the cost of socialized health care in this country would skyrocket due to the fact none of the overweight ex-cons would be able to get jobs or afford health insurance on their own, but hey, who would you rather have their hand in your pocket, a criminal or the U.S. government?
posted by Rich in Cincy | 7:19 AM
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