Decadent Murals at the Airport

Dear Comrade Brother,

I hope the never ending struggle against the capitalist pigdogs is treating you well. To assist with your morale in the fight for socialist world domination, I have taken a tour of the local co-operative aerodrome people's facility here in the great socialist commonwealth of Kentucky. Within the walls of this proud feat of communal engineering are a series of murals commissioned many years ago by our long deceased comrades in the fight against exploitation of the masses. Originally they were installed at the locomotive terminal in the late 1930's to rejoice the proletariat's successes in fighting the bourgeoisie, however as technology changed and the people required a more expedient form of group transportation, the murals were moved to the regional air transportation facility to be properly enjoyed by future generations of devotees of Marx. In fact, the artist, Winold Reiss, was a German national as well, however he spent a good part of his time in the American West painting native Indians rather than gloriously spending hours upon hours in the reading room of the British Museum formulating the doctrine that we follow to this day... long live the revolution!!!!!

(PS: I will do a less "tongue in cheek version" about the artist on a later date)

So without further ado, the murals:

This first mural is of the working class at the exploitive Ivory Soap company in Springdale, not that far from the location where the worker's cow Cincy Freedom made her great escape from the capitalist slaughterhouse. Note the intense scene as the honorable workers do an honest day's work before picketing in the evening and planning the downfall of the evil capitalist system.






Here we have a scene from Cincinnati Milling Machine Company, now known as Cincinnati Milacron, but we will refer to it as the People's Glorious Technological Advancement Co-operative. Note that these exploited workers are not able to join their brothers at Ivory Soap later that evening because of the 23 hour working day inflicted on them by robber baron company owners.



This is a scene from the decadent meatpacking company E.Kahns & Sons. Note how thin the workers are, as they are so poorly paid that they can not even afford the meat they are processing. Additionally, they are watched at all times by management to ensure they do not consume any profits.




Hopefully the glorious revolution is going well for you, comrade brother. I must go now as I have to organize todays workers rally....

Dear Marvin

Dear Bro,

As you are aware by the receipt of piece of mail from the a certain head coach from a certain Cincinnati NFL team, I recently composed a letter requesting that you be sent an autographed picture. As promised, here is the text of the letter...

Dear Marvin,

I have a personal reason for sending you this letter but I would be amiss if I did not congratulate you on another competitive season as the head coach of the Cincinnati Bengals. Even though we did not make the playoffs this year, you still maintained your record of at least .500 football, something no other coach has been able to do with this team. Before your arrival this team was the laughing stock of the National Football League, but since you have taken the helm it has become a part of the opponents schedule that they must work that much harder to have a chance at winning.

In fact, I have a Bengals Ornament that I place every year on my Christmas tree, and since I bought it in the early nineties I have placed it on the back of the tree facing the wall as the Bengals were always out of playoff contention when it was time to put up the tree. But since your arrival, the ornament has had a proud place on the front of the tree. Granted, a small thing, but the teams you have coached and made successful has made the fall season exciting again here in Cincinnati.

Now on to the request... my brother Greg is serving with the Connecticut National Guard in Iraq. Whereas most servicemen are in the twenties, Greg, like yourself and even me, is in his forties and even though he normally resides in Connecticut with his wife, he is a huge Bengals fan. We normally correspond through Instant Messaging on the internet and almost all our conversations begin with how the Bengals did. So if it is not too bold I would like to request that you send him an autographed picture. He started his deployment two months ago, so I know it would really lift his spirits if you could send a signed picture to him. If you are too busy or get too many of these types of requests to respond then don't worry about it.
Just keep up the good work with the Bengals.


His APO is as follows: Sgt Harrison, Gregory S. 1048 Mdm Trk Co APO AE 09331

Thanks for making us proud to be Bengals fans again.

Sincerely,

Rich in Cincy



And as the final part of the letter... the end result.





Thank you Marvin!

Joe and Mich go "Bob Chainsaw Villa"

Dear Bro,

As you are well aware our little sister Michelle and her husband Joe have entered the realm of homeowners when they closed on their new home back earlier in January. Since they are young and full of energy rather than buying a house they could move right into they decided to stretch their dollars to buy a "fixer upper" and put some elbow grease into rebuilding their new home.

So on a rainy Sunday last weekend Melody and I went to visit the new abode. Here are the photos... and of course.... comments....

Here is the front of the house. It has sort of a mini-Graceland feel to it, except there is no shag carpet on any of the ceilings and as far as I could ascertain no one has ever died on one of the toilets in this place. Melody is grinning out of the front door, as we deviously plan how we steal the estate from my unsuspecting sibling....



So here is the happy couple taking a small break to mug for the camera. I happened to capture a moment in time before tragedy as right after this photo Joe made a very wise-ass comment to which Michelle responded by utilizing the spackle in the container she was holding to fill pretty much every orifice on Joe's body. Sorry... didn't have the heart to take a photo of that scene. Needless to say Joe managed to signal using his hands that he was very sorry before the ambulance hauled him away....

After the horrible aforementioned incident, Michelle acts like everything is normal and goes back to work on spackling the holes in the walls. Melody on the other hand is still waiting on my signal for her to tackle Michelle as part of our devious plan of domicile domination, however very wary of Michelle's obvious skill with the spackle brush.


This is a view from the dining room into the main front room of the house. Even though it did not really need it, Michelle has put the spackle to good use in trying to fill imaginary holes in all the walls. Now she knows how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
That is Joe's brother John kneeling by the front door. He is not really working on it. Michelle handcuffed him to it earlier in the day in a fit of rage.


After managing the escape the maniacal Michelle during another fit of rage we took this picture from the back of the house. Please note the ominous abattoir van parked out front. After receiving assurances that Michelle was "feeling much better now" we decided to take a chance and reenter the home....


Now that Michelle has settled down and Joe has returned from the hospital we all proceeded to gather in the front room. Note that mum is hiding behind the yellow mini-scaffolding still cautiously studying Michelle in case she again goes berserk. Note the green mold growing on the back wall... oh wait... that's paint... .never mind....

At this point Michelle invited us to go upstairs and see the bedrooms up there. We are obviously very reluctant due to her erratic behavior, the abattoir van parked out back, and the constant low moaning sound coming from the top of the stairs. But as Michelle is tightly gripping the spackling brush, we decide that discretion is the better part of valor and agree to ascend the staircase.

And we were right to be concerned. As you can see the main bedroom has nails sticking out from the roof in some form of mid 20th century satanic ritual torture device. Michelle manages to keep her cool this time as she explains to us that it is that way only because they decided to tear out all the hideous ceiling tiles, but by this point Melody and I are just plain skeptical at best. Notice the purple color, the color of Royality... someone of noble blood was obviously killed here in the past.....


After escaping Michelle's clutches we manage to back down the stairs and into the back left corner of the house. This is a bathroom on the left and the laundry hookup on the right, with the remaining area being some sort of staging area before wrapping up the bodies before taking them out back for eventually transportation in the abattoir van. We don't stay here long.....


And as we turn around to try to escape we see how they plan to carry out all of the numerous murders they are planning. It is only a quick trot from the back slaughter room to the garage, at which point you can easily back up the abattoir van to load and subsequently dispose of the evidence.

I know you are in Iraq but if you do not hear from any of us in the next few weeks then you know what happened. Contact the authorities....

Greeting from around the Globe

Dear Bro,

Even though all languages are different there are common factors in each that are symbolic of the human race and its communal existence in nature. One of these traits would be "the greeting". In most languages that have propagated across the planet, when two people run into each other (whether they actually know on another or not) they exchange a very common form of reception that involves inquiring about the well being of the other individual.

This is considered polite, not to mention a way to communicate without grunts, epitaphs, or fist fights. However, there is usually a different meaning behind the salutation process. Lets review...

French: Comment ça va?
Literal translation: How does it go?
Real translation: I am French. If you are also French, then you know that I don't really give two monkeys how you or any of your relatives are doing, but as we are both French we must be polite and civil otherwise we risk being like those barbarians from the savage lands that surround our beloved France. Viva La France!
If you are not French, then go away... you bore me.....

German: Wie geht es Ihnen?
Literal translation: How goes you?
Real translation: Welcome my friend. Go ahead... take off your clothes... we are German, no?

Japanese: 御元気ですか? (O genki desu ka?)
Literal translation: How are you? (with big smile)
Real translation: Barbarian... do not shake my hand!!! You have dishonored both mine and your family by offering your hand instead of politely bowing. Our ancestors are truly embarrassed by your uncivilized behavior!!! If only I lived in the days of the samurai, I would do honor to your predecessors and remove your feeble unworthy head from your shoulders!!!!!

Italian: Come sta?
Literal translation: How are you? (must use hands when saying for proper effect)
Real translation: I can't believe Inter Milano beat Roma!!! (powerful Italian soccer/football teams) Did you see how they cheated through out the game... this is an outrage!!! Unbelievable... it must have been fixed!!! Oh wait.. I'm not allowed to say that..... But those Milano's... they cheat I tell you... they cheat...

Farsi: Hale shoma chetore?
Literal translation: How are you?
Real translation: Are you doing anything later, cause there is a great satan anti-american combination flag burning and social gathering that the government is sponsoring later today and I hear that there might be some girls wearing the latest fashion in burkas there. See you there then? Okay... death to the infidels!!!! ciao!

Nahuatl(Aztec Empire): Quenin timoyetzica?
Literal translation: How are you?
Real translation: Hi! Would you like to consider joining our religion? It is a simple process, and fairly quick I might add. We would be greatly honored to introduce you to a good friend of ours named Huitzilopocktli. Trust me, it will only be a minor sacrifice on your part. ... Hey! Is that your sister over there... she doesn't happen to be virgin does she?

Business Warning Labels

I got these from the www.snopes.com site. The comments are of course mine....

Do not use while sleeping. Sears hair dryer

They now have a 12 step program for serial narcoleptic beauticians... my life is complete.

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. Bag of Fritos

So if I steal the bag I can't be prosecuted?

Use like regular soap. Dial soap

I promised my attorney that I would not talk about my irregular soap habits.

Serving suggestion: Defrost. Swann frozen dinner

And here I am wondering why I only have three teeth left........

Fits one head. Shower cap box

The box has a picture endorsement from Cinderella.

Do not turn upside down. Bottom of Tesco's Tiramisu dessert box

A stoke of genius! Contents of this are packaged upside down because we are just too stupid to read the front or the top of the box. What will they think of next?

Product will be hot after heating. Marks & Spencer bread pudding

So I just need to put the Swanson's frozen dinner in the bread pudding?

Do not iron clothes on body. Rowenta iron

Now I have to break from the feeble attempts at comedy here because in reality the company's lawyers made this organization put this warning on the box due to the fact some idiot actually tried this and sued them.....

Do not drive car or operate machinery. Boot's children's cough medicine

I can see the headline now. "Four die in tragic Big Wheel/cough medicine accident"

Warning: May cause drowsiness. Nytol

I think the lawyers from Nytol and the lawyers from Boot's children cough medicine should schedule a lunch together.....

Warning: Keep out of children.Korean kitchen knife

Word to the wise. DO NOT LEAVE your children unattended while vacationing in Seoul....

For indoor or outdoor use only.Chinese Christmas lights

This must be a Zen thing that westerners will never understand. Probably related to the fact that the Christmas lights don't really exist anyway.

Not to be used for the other use. Japanese food processor

Now I am intrigued. I've seen "The Ring" and "The Grunge". Is there another Japanese horror flick that explains the "other" usage of food slicers? Maybe "the Niigata Kitchenaide massacre"? I now have more respect for those "Iron Chef" guys.....

Warning: Contains nuts Sainsbury's peanuts

Sounds to me like their needs to be more nuts in the container and less in Sainsbury's management team.

Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. American Airlines peanut packet

Hopefully there are no low IQ cannibals on your flight.

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. Swedish chainsaw

Those wacky Swedes. Always trying to prove that just because you are a socialist doesn't mean you ain't tough!

Dear Steve Jobs...

Dear Bro,

While you are off trying to make deserts safe for democracy, Apple Computer made a couple of announcements.

1. They are changing their name from Apple Computer to just Apple. I envision a team of lawyers working for a certain record label that will go nameless writing legal documents as I am writing this.

2. They introduced the Iphone- a combination portable mobile phone, mp3 and video player, web browser ...etc.. Once this one-device-does-all introduction at the Vegas tech show was initiated Apple's stock price instantly drove up about 8%, creating a frenzy for both the potential customers who will buy this gizmo and the new pool of shareholders who think this will cause the company's value to keep climbing.

Since they have a lot of R&D (research & development) dollars sunk into designing this thing, I can only imagine that the geniuses in the marketing department have been charged with finding fresh markets to convince they can not live with out this product. So with that thought... I bring you some potential proposals for how Apple plans to continue their trek toward world domination....

I-Man: For the hip islamic user. Automatically calls for prayer six times a day. Has password protection features so only the owner can see that it is loaded with western music and Brittany Spears videos.

I-Rish: Comes in green only... duh!!!!

I-Robot: For the science fiction fans. Screen defaults to the 3 laws of robotics and is back is signed in a limited edition (about 40 million units) by the estate of Isaac Asimov. Can be programmed to simonize your car.

I-Ball: For blind people or, for the politically correct, sight challenged. Somehow manages to integrate braille into screen. Only comes in gray.

I Am-I Said: For the baby boomer generation. Each of the limited edition (again, around 40 million units) is personally autographed by Neil Diamond.

I-Daho: Designed in two colors -"hot pants" pink & "plastic halter" red. Comes complete with built in police scanner. To be marketed to prostitutes in Boise.

I-Rate: Comes in red only. Complete with pre-programmed phone numbers for all listed complaint lines within the United States.

I-Dol: Limited edition of 100 million units personally signed by Simon Cowell. Every other song it plays in shuffle mode is out of key. Additionally, phone function automatically goes into "message only" mode when "American Idol" is being televised in your time zone.

I-Ran: a real coupe! This one can be marketed to both the Farsi speakers of the world and anyone who happens to lace up a pair of running shoes every now and then. Or better yet, just use it to try an capture that huge Persian track and field market!

I-V: Nurses, Doctors, patients... this baby can cover the whole gamit. Health care professional version can include a mini-voice recorder for help in those continuous pesky lawsuits. The patient version includes speed dial numbers for hack lawyers waiting outside the hospital. This version can be sold for more than 4 times the amount of the regular I-Phone as the difference will be paid by the government.

I-Diot: To be advertised exclusively during the Jerry Springer Show. It in fact has less features then a normal I-Phone, but costs more. Expected to be the #1 seller of all the models.

I-Cicle: Sold in colder climates. Comes with enhanced GPS for those pesky white-out blizzards that occur from time to time. Has built in heating element to warm fingers. Comes in all available colors except white.

I-For An I: What better way to capture that fundamentalist Christian right market with their own I-Phone. If you try to load music or videos with questionable content (such as anything risker than either Pat or Debbie Boone) Jerry Falwell will pop up on the screen and wag his finger at you. Also automatically debits your bank account once a week with a sizable donation to your favorite evangelist.

Vacation photos

Dear Bro,

Thanks for the photos you sent from your vacation in Iraq. Most people I know can't afford to spend a whole year on vacation but for some reason you and your wife seemed to have scraped together enough cash to pull it off. Very commendable on both your parts!

I enjoyed the photos you sent and, of course, aliens would have to invade me for me not to have any questions/comments regarding them.

Let's get started shall we?

Wow, when you said your lodging trailer was big I had no idea! I thought maybe you would have room for your bunk, a few personal things, maybe a TV and a chest of drawers, but I think you could fit the 3rd Armored Division in this one. Well done... I didn't know you were so well connected. Maybe you could get the rest of us cushy lobbying jobs when you get back from your vacation?



Now as rental cars go I think you got a raw deal on this one. Being as the MSRP on this baby is a couple hundred thousand you would think you would have a few modern conveniences, such as power windows or a blastin' stereo. Not to mention the paint job is something right out of "The Rat Patrol" . I would definitely march to the rental car company counter and complain bitterly.

I hope you were careful when you took this photo. As you were well aware, this was one of those famous Iraqi man-killing dogs that the Discovery Channel kept running hour long episodes about. As a matter of fact, I think after "Shark Week" the "Iraqi Man Killing Dog Week" is their next biggest ratings period. It obviously has a chain and stake in the ground hidden behind it's rear paw, otherwise there would have been nothing to prevent it from leaping at lightning speed, exposing it's big gnarly teeth, and ripping your throat out in one sweep movement.


I think it was wonderful of you to volunteer time during your year long vacation to guard inmates in this prison compound you are obviously standing inside. Do you have to spend a lot of time in the guard tower behind you or do you just walk that perimeter fence I see in the background? Was your trip sponsored by the NRA? Cause that is an awfully big gun you are holding in this picture.





It pleases me to see you have already gotten to go on Safari in the jungles of Iraq while on holiday, however I must confess to you that is the smallest bear I a have ever seen in my entire life. It must be as dangerous as the infamous Iraqi man-killings dogs because I did take note of all the firepower you have pointed at it at all times.







Amazing, I had no idea what delicacies they were serving for dinner over there. A nice pictorial sample menu I might add!!!! You must share recipes when you return home. They look like they would be heaven to the taste buds when fried....







Looks like you and your friends are going for a nice evening drive in the countryside. It is a very novel idea to have those water canons installed so you can have fun and games with tootling around the roads of Iraq. Again, not to pick on your rental car company, but doesn't that thing come in any other color than that????




Well, thanks for sharing your vacation photos. Hope the rest of your holiday goes smoothly.

Warm Regards,

Your bro.