Movie Reviews

Dear Bro,

Most of us do not take the time to crack the back pages of the arts and entertainment sections of the newspapers to read reviews of new films that are presented there. However, we all have looked at the movie advertisements themselves to find which cinema is showing the film and what the show times are . Invariably there are box ads with the name of the movie in big letters overlain on a graphic that the producers spent a ton of bucks designing. In addition, after the movie has been out for a week or so, they start to add "clips" from movie reviews from the aforementioned section of the paper that we all do not bother to read.

I thought it might be insightful to give some examples so you can see how handy the english language can be in promoting your film....

Let's start with a fictional film (well... okay, you got me... films are usually fictional) called "Cyborg 7: Robot Revenge" staring Gary Busey and a long list of people you will never hear of again...

After the first week (if it survived that long in general release) the movie ads would have the following lines above the title:

"AN EPIC DRAMA...CAN'T MISS" - Daily Star

"NON STOP ACTION.... KEPT ME ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT" - Washington Herald

"POTENTIAL... OSCAR MATERIAL" - Wacapecka Observer

Now... lets dig a little deeper into the actual reviews, shall we?

Daily Star review of Cyborg 7: by Loren Jensen
Since I was short on money and my aching hunger took precedence over my pride I was convinced by the editorial staff of the Daily Star to write a review of the film Cyborg 7: Robot Revenge. After sitting through the one hour thirty nine minute misuse of celluloid I was seriously debating whether or not I really wanted to continue as a writer if my contribution to society would be writing reviews of the worst dribble every presented to mankind since New Kids on the Block disbanded, or if I should jump of the nearest bridge while insanely declaring my love for Phylis Diller. But since I prefer a trip to the grocery store rather than the soup kitchen and/or the local mental hospital I decided that an epic drama such as personal hunger overrode any egotistical rationalization of my "can't miss" future as a highly paid author to swallow my pride and pen a summary of this film. Well then, here is thoughts on the film in one simple thought: "RUN FOREST RUN".

I think that sums it up quite nicely.


Washington Herald review of Cyborg 7: by Michael "Bubba" Patrick
When I was asked to review Cyborg 7: Robot Revenge I was extremely flattered, as since I had very little work subsequent to my release from Olympic Corrections Center. Anyway, enough about me and lets talk about the film. Since I served 10 years on a bull*%#& charge, I had not seen a lot of films recently, but watching Cyborg 7: Robot Revenge proved to me that I did not miss a $*$#&#@ thing while I was incarcerated for a decade. I attended the local press screening, which should have tipped me off that this film was a dud, due to the fact it was being screened at the only theater in town that has metal detectors. At least that was an upgrade from the last time I attended this place, as the film in question then had non stop action and no kids allowed, if you know what I mean. There were only four of us at the screening, so we could sit anywhere we liked, but that didn't make much difference as they had not cleaned the place since the last time I was here. I was wearing the only decent pair of pants since getting released from prison and didn't want to stick to anything, so I can honestly say that this film kept me on the edge of my seat. Other then that, it sucked.

Wacapecka Observer review of Cyborg 7: by Laura Smert
As I drew the short stick when we were deciding who would have to go to the screening for this travesty, I was hopeful that a film with such a title could have the potential to be a "Plan 9 from Outer Space", a movie so bad that it was good.
No such luck.
Not that I was expecting Oscar material or even a decently written plot, but to subject people to the subtle form of torture that materialized on the screen for 90 odd minutes should be reported to Amnesty International, as I seriously believe my human rights have been violated. I would give this film a big thumbs down, but I chewed them off in a fit of insanity after the screening.