Mum's hospital roomies #1

Dear Bro,

As you know mum recently had a short visit to the hospital, staying about 4 days in the general ward while she recovered from several symptoms. During this time period she was what is politely referred to as a "semi-private" room, meaning that there is no privacy whatsoever as there is another person in the room in the bed next to you.

Or in mum's case, several people....

But lets talk about patient number one, an elderly lady who apparently was suffering from stomach pains that they had checked her into the hospital to diagnose while they gave her some pain medication. At least, this is my interpretation from the conversation between the nurse and herself from the other side of the brown vinyl privacy curtain.

At this point they had just wheeled mum into her room and the nurse had not yet gotten over to help mum. We sat behind the curtain and listened in.

Patient 1: "I'm very cold. Can you turn up the heat in the room?"

Nurse: "Why don't I get you some blankets to help keep you warm."

Patient 1: "I don't know about that. I would like the heat turned up. It is so cold in here."

(For the record, it was probably about 72F in the room.)

Nurse: I will get you a blanket. I will be back in a minute after I check on the patient who just came in.

The nurse comes over and starts going through mum's chart and asking questions. After about 3-4 minutes we hear...

Patient 1: Nurse... Nurse.... Nurse?

The nurse quickly finishes up the initial questions with mum and goes back behind the brown vinyl curtain.

Nurse: Yes?

Patient 1: Nurse, I am very cold. Can you go and turn up the heat to 80.

(At this point mum and I exchange stares involving raised eyebrows)

Nurse: Why don't I get you those blankets to help keep you warm.

Patient 1: Oh no! They are so heavy on my legs. I would rather you turn up the heat.

Nurse: Well, I guess I could get a fan for the person next to you.

Patient 1: Oh no! No fans in the room.. I could catch pneumonia! No, I want the heat turned up.

Nurse: No, the fan would be on the other patient, not yourself.

Patient 1: Oh no Nurse, I don't want a fan in the room. I just want the heat turned up.

Nurse: Well, I have to make sure everyone in the room is comfortable.

Patient 1: What do you mean? I was here first!!! I want the heat turned up. I am freezing.

Mum at this point, in her weakened state, said over the curtain to just go ahead and turn up the heat to assist in ending the discussion between patient number one and the nurse.

After that the nurse left for a spell to check on other patients. She promised to return within a short period of time to give mum her medications. Within a few minutes we heard the sound of the buzzer being pushed to activate the nurse station intercom. Nothing happened for several minutes and again we heard the buzzer being pushed.

Nurse through intercom at other bed: Yes?

Patient 1: I think there is something terribly wrong with my IV. My arm is turning red!

Nurse through intercom at other bed: Is it causing you any pain?

Patient 1: No, but something must be wrong with it. And I am very cold!

Nurse through intercom at other bed: We'll have someone to you as soon as possible.

Patient 1: Okay.

Mum and I chatted some more, but always with an ear to the brown vinyl curtain.

The nurse from earlier came back to give mum some shots through her IV. Within three seconds the lady next door heard her.

Patient 1: Nurse... Nurse... Nurse....

Nurse: I am with another patient, Mrs. XXXXX, I will be over as soon as I can.

The interaction with patient 1 did not vary from this routine for the rest of time I spent at the hospital with mum that evening.

When I returned in the morning the other bed was empty. Mum stated that they had finally moved her to the next room over later that night, as it was empty and they could turn up the heat to help stop the pleadings of patient 1.

Later that afternoon she stuck her head around the corner, appearing fully dressed in street clothes. (well, as close to street clothes that an 80 year old is willing to be seen in)

Patient 1: Excuse me, I was in the next bed yesterday.

Me: Yes, ma'am.

Patient 1: My son is coming to get me. Can you tell him I am in the next room instead of here.

Me: Yes, ma'am.

Openings like this occur rarely in a lifetime. The evil devil on my right shoulder envisioned her son showing up, entering the room, and asking where his mother is. And my response, with eyes down and a gloomy voice.

"I'm sorry sir, she's gone."

Needless to say I did not do it. However, as expected, I did feel sorry for her son as he had a nice smile as he asked about his mother but was probably the most brow-beaten 55 year old man I had seen in a long time.

Movie Reviews

Dear Bro,

Most of us do not take the time to crack the back pages of the arts and entertainment sections of the newspapers to read reviews of new films that are presented there. However, we all have looked at the movie advertisements themselves to find which cinema is showing the film and what the show times are . Invariably there are box ads with the name of the movie in big letters overlain on a graphic that the producers spent a ton of bucks designing. In addition, after the movie has been out for a week or so, they start to add "clips" from movie reviews from the aforementioned section of the paper that we all do not bother to read.

I thought it might be insightful to give some examples so you can see how handy the english language can be in promoting your film....

Let's start with a fictional film (well... okay, you got me... films are usually fictional) called "Cyborg 7: Robot Revenge" staring Gary Busey and a long list of people you will never hear of again...

After the first week (if it survived that long in general release) the movie ads would have the following lines above the title:

"AN EPIC DRAMA...CAN'T MISS" - Daily Star

"NON STOP ACTION.... KEPT ME ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT" - Washington Herald

"POTENTIAL... OSCAR MATERIAL" - Wacapecka Observer

Now... lets dig a little deeper into the actual reviews, shall we?

Daily Star review of Cyborg 7: by Loren Jensen
Since I was short on money and my aching hunger took precedence over my pride I was convinced by the editorial staff of the Daily Star to write a review of the film Cyborg 7: Robot Revenge. After sitting through the one hour thirty nine minute misuse of celluloid I was seriously debating whether or not I really wanted to continue as a writer if my contribution to society would be writing reviews of the worst dribble every presented to mankind since New Kids on the Block disbanded, or if I should jump of the nearest bridge while insanely declaring my love for Phylis Diller. But since I prefer a trip to the grocery store rather than the soup kitchen and/or the local mental hospital I decided that an epic drama such as personal hunger overrode any egotistical rationalization of my "can't miss" future as a highly paid author to swallow my pride and pen a summary of this film. Well then, here is thoughts on the film in one simple thought: "RUN FOREST RUN".

I think that sums it up quite nicely.


Washington Herald review of Cyborg 7: by Michael "Bubba" Patrick
When I was asked to review Cyborg 7: Robot Revenge I was extremely flattered, as since I had very little work subsequent to my release from Olympic Corrections Center. Anyway, enough about me and lets talk about the film. Since I served 10 years on a bull*%#& charge, I had not seen a lot of films recently, but watching Cyborg 7: Robot Revenge proved to me that I did not miss a $*$#&#@ thing while I was incarcerated for a decade. I attended the local press screening, which should have tipped me off that this film was a dud, due to the fact it was being screened at the only theater in town that has metal detectors. At least that was an upgrade from the last time I attended this place, as the film in question then had non stop action and no kids allowed, if you know what I mean. There were only four of us at the screening, so we could sit anywhere we liked, but that didn't make much difference as they had not cleaned the place since the last time I was here. I was wearing the only decent pair of pants since getting released from prison and didn't want to stick to anything, so I can honestly say that this film kept me on the edge of my seat. Other then that, it sucked.

Wacapecka Observer review of Cyborg 7: by Laura Smert
As I drew the short stick when we were deciding who would have to go to the screening for this travesty, I was hopeful that a film with such a title could have the potential to be a "Plan 9 from Outer Space", a movie so bad that it was good.
No such luck.
Not that I was expecting Oscar material or even a decently written plot, but to subject people to the subtle form of torture that materialized on the screen for 90 odd minutes should be reported to Amnesty International, as I seriously believe my human rights have been violated. I would give this film a big thumbs down, but I chewed them off in a fit of insanity after the screening.

The Annual Christmas Letter

Dear Bro,

It has become a tradition among many of my friends to write an annual update of what has happened in the last year to them and their families. I thought I would do the same:






Dear Relative/Friend/Customer/Co-worker/Person who opened this Christmas card

Wow! Another year has flown by and again it is that time of year for caroling and drinking eggnog. It has been another hectic year here at the Henderson household so I thought it would be a good time to update everyone on what has happened and, in some cases where our attorney allows us, explain our side of the story.

As you remember from last year's letter, we had decided to move to a new neighborhood as we felt that we needed some new scenery in our life and had grown tired of our old house. Well imagine our surprise that the Sheriff's deputies showed up two weeks earlier than we had calculated. It would have been nice to be there when they moved all our possessions out on the curb, as I will really miss that Lazy boy recliner and 25 inch RCA console TV that someone managed to abscond with before we arrived home. But hey, that is how we got those items in the first place so I guess fair is fair!

Fortunately for us the kind people at St. Mary's Church of Hope and Redemption homeless shelter found us a new place of our own after spending seven weeks utilitizing their wonderful facilities. I know for a fact that they liked our little family so much that some of them contributed their own money to ensure we would have enough for the apartment. They even threw a big party after we moved into the place, but since one of them had a problem remembering things they forgot to tell us. Good thing we went back to get Wendy's bagpipes that she had left in the janitor's office, otherwise we would have missed quite a blowout!

We have settled in well in the new neighborhood. It is lively all the time as many of our fellow tenants keep odd hours and hang out in front of the building all hours of the night to ensure there is no criminal activity. They are a bit stand offish with me but really love Wendy, complimenting her every time she passes by.

Mr. Biggles has settled in fairly well at the new place. He had a battle with a flea infestation in early July, but Wendy managed to acquire some flea shampoo and after a struggle to get him into the bathtub we managed to scrub those fleas right off of him! You would think he would have been grateful to be rid of the things, but since we rarely ever give him a bath he bit me on the hand during the process, kicking and scratching the entire time. All I can say is thank goodness the school nurse at Woodgreen elementary noticed the pesky parisites during his annual school physical, otherwise we might have all been infested! Even better news was that he finally made it out of the fourth grade, as normally it is "three tries and you are out", to borrow an old baseball term.

As many of you already know, Uncle Edgar came to stay with us in the fall. He was willing to sleep in a closet in the hall and pay 1/2 the rent, so we said "what the heck" and let him stay. It was a good arrangement for a few months, but after his appearance on "America's Most Wanted" we knew it was only a matter of time before someone figured out where he was. Sure enough, they raised the reward to $10,000 from $500 and the police were breaking down our door and macing everyone in the apartment. Good thing they used an anonymous service for the reward money because I don't think we would have gotten one red cent if they knew we were related. Plus, we still owed $7,000 on Wendy's last breast enhancement and since the doctor's "Italian" friends were threatening to repossess them the money came in real handy....

Finally, good news on the job front as I have finally found consistent employment. I am now a personal driver for a group of gentlemen who specialize in cleaning businesses after hours. It is a bit boring at times as they are quite thorough with their cleaning process and can take several hours to complete their work. They are very good at cleaning as we generally remove a lot of trash bags from the establishments, plus they clean so effectively that we have never had to go back to the same business twice in the month that I have worked for them. They even gave me a small bonus after a recent job when I managed to get out of the way of the police cars behind us. I was going to pull over but they said it was a bad neighborhood and eventually I would take a turn that would be a different direction then the one the twenty or so police cars would take while they pursued whoever it was they were pursuing. It is a swell gig and hopefully it will last long enough to save up to pay off Mr. Biggles dermatology bills!

So I hope your Christmas season is as joyful as ours.

Seasons Greetings from,

Robert, Wendy, & Mr. Biggles Henderson

For all the England Football Fans Out There

Dear Bro,


AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!


In case you have not heard:

The Skysports Headline:

England bow out with loss

"England failed to get the point they needed to qualify for Euro 2008 despite a stirring second-half fightback as they lost 3-2 to Croatia on a dramatic night at Wembley."


Ever since the advent of the internet and it's never ending instant supply of information I have not only been tortured by poor quality play by the Cincinnati Bengals but am also now subject to constant heartbreak courtesy of the English national team.

Qualifying for the Euro 2008 group required that they play 12 games against 6 teams (home and away) and finish in the top 2 of the group to qualify. Sounds like a tough task right...

Here are the teams in the group and the order they finished:

Croatia - Croatia is actually a very strong team, finishing third in the 1998 World Cup and qualifying for every major tourament since saying "toodles" to the rest of Yugoslavia in 1990. This is the team that won the group.

Russia - a fairly big county, but since the break up of the Soviet Union they have not been a soccer powerhouse by any stretch of the imagination. Rarely every qualify for major tournaments these days.... This is the team that edged out England for the final spot.

England: no comment....

Israel - This country barely has enough room to have a soccer stadium, let alone enough population to field a world class soccer team. Plus, I thought Israel was in the Middle East, not Europe???? They actually have a solid team, but world class.... hardly...

Macedonia: with a population of 2 million and another offshoot of the former Yugoslavia, the main thing Macedonia was famous for was for not getting directly involved in the 1992 Balkans conflict. When you discuss world soccer with knowledgable individuals, Macedonia is not the first team that will be sprouting from their lips....

Estonia: a former Soviet vassal, population 1.3 million... again not a powerhouse in world soccer...

Andorra: ANDORRA... a population of 71 thousand.... I'm not sure if any of this team play for professional teams in Europe....I am getting even more depressed as I type this....



So lets recap... England, a supposed world powerhouse in soccer, missed out on making the Euro 2008 finals because they could not come in second place in a group with the countries listed above....

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a Big World after all

Dear Bro,

I seem to remember from our days in Southern California that you and I visited Disneyland on several occasions to attend to a day of fun at the amusement park. Between the Matterhorn and Space Mountain I don't think we rode too many of the other rides, but I remember when we took Michelle we always had to ride that kid pleasing, worst song in the world playing, boat ride through badly designed figures of Children from countries around the world entitled "It's a Small World".

The only redeeming quality of the ride was that the air conditioning was always turned up full blast, thus creating the coolest spot in the park on a hot summer's day. Of course, while riding though the building you had to listen to the song "Small World" with it's repetitive chorus that, though originally written by the Sherman brothers (Robert & Richard) to promote world peace, would probably be the most effective interrogation tool at Guantanamo if they put it to use.

Well, it appears that for 2008 the ride is going into a major overhaul that will require a year of upgrades until it can reopen. What gives? Are the animatronic (Disney's word.. not mine) native figures all going on strike? Have the Asian countries of the world filed suit in court against Disney because the Asian room on the ride sings "Small World" only in Japanese?

Nothing quite that exotic or political... I assure you....

It appears that Disneyland is having major problems with backups on the ride because the boats keep "bottoming out" as they pass through the building. You see, when the ride opened in 1963, the ride was designed for the average American male and female, who weighed about 175lb and 132lb respectively. Well, as you know, since then McDonalds has replaced General Foods on the Dow Jones Industrials top 30, and as an indirect result the average American couple that rides this one is probably 175lb plus 135lb each, thus causing the boats not only to sit lower in the water as they attempt to float past the numerous singing automated (my word) children, but in many cases scrap along the bottom of the tank like a u-boat in a crash dive.

Here's an idea, when they re-open the ride in 2009, not only should they made the water deeper but they should have boats that you have to peddle to keep them moving. You could plug it as an "eco-friendly" ride as the peddle power could be harnessed in some way to power the ride, plus it would burn a ton of calories....

"It's a small, green, healthy world after all"
"It's a small, green, healthy world after all"
"It's a small, green, healthy world!"

The Criminal Problem

Dear Bro,

This type of story seems to be more and more common nowadays. In fact, one can barely turn on a TV news channel without a smirking anchor reading the following blurb from a nearby tele-prompter:

"Today in Denton, Texas, a man who was running from the cops got stuck in a drain pipe.
Rescue crews had to be called in to pull him out of the pipe in this suburb of Dallas.
Police say that the unidentified man crawled into the pipe while they were chasing him after they allege that he burglarized a home.
Crews had to cut the pipe to pull him out. It took more than 10 hours to free him and he wasn’t seriously injured."

or...

"A suspected thief in Silver Springs, Fla. spent 10 hours stuck in an air shaft at a Marion County convenience store that authorities believe he intended to burglarize. Deputies said the man removed an air conditioning cover at a CVS store Monday night and tried to enter the store through the shaft, but became trapped. Tuesday morning he began crying for help and when firefighters arrived, they found him with his hands over his head and feet dangling stuck in the shaft above the women's room.It took firefighters an hour and a half to rescue him. He suffered minor cuts and treated at an area hospital. The suspect was charged with commercial burglary, possession of burglary tools and felony criminal mischief. Online records with the Florida Department of Corrections indicate he had previous convictions in South Florida for burglary and drug-related crimes."

So what can we conclude from this sorry state of affairs in our nation as criminals continue to run rampant?

Easy, one simple solution to the theft problem: make sure anyone convicted of any type of stealing (grand laceny, armed robbery, petty theft, shoplifting... etc) has to serve a one year sentence at a "skinny farm". While serving this sentence, the convicted felon is put on a high fat, high calorie diet. In fact, they should open a prision "McDonalds" that is open 24/7 for the prisoner to come and "chow down" to their heart's content whenever they feel like it. Additionally, remove all exercise equipment and put individual televisions with chaise lounges and complementary snack food (twinkies, candy.. you get the picture) in each cell. All diet sodas will be banned as sugary drinks are the order of the day.

So, after the completion of a year's sentence, the typical thief, 5-9, 160lbs, strung out on drugs, and stealing for the next fix comes out as a 5-9, 280lb chunk of blubber that 1) couldn't even climb a ladder to get stuck in duct work anywhere and 2) could be chased down by a 5-6 220lb police officer who has spent too much time in Dunkin' Donuts for his own good.

Granted, the cost of socialized health care in this country would skyrocket due to the fact none of the overweight ex-cons would be able to get jobs or afford health insurance on their own, but hey, who would you rather have their hand in your pocket, a criminal or the U.S. government?

The influence of sleep

Dear Bro,

Since you now have two wonders in your house to mold and influence as your heart sees fit, I wanted to take this time to share some experiences with small children in the house that you will hopefully find helpful in future years.

Lets start with a picture.
This (of course) is me with my granddaughter Hannah at her mom's wedding in November 1999 in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Please disregard the pink coloring as I believe an older version of Hannah that has decided this particular picture needed some life pumped into it via a photo editor. During the late 90's Hannah used to spend a lot of time on the weekend with Melody and I as 1) we were great "free" babysitters and 2) Hannah was always a joy to have around.

However, I did develop a bad habit that influenced Hannah during these formative years. The bad habit in question you ask? Sleeping.... As you know, weekends are wonderful times for a good long afternoon nap. I personally have taken my share of these, usually by turning on the the TV to a sub-par movie and then taking an hour or two to fully check the back of my eyelids for holes.

The next question would be.... Rich... how harmful could it be to demonstrate to a 3 year old girl the wonders of an afternoon snore-fest? The proper answer would be ... "that depends"

It actually depends on which TV channel you leave the TV on when you nod off to the land of mega-nap.

Lets say for example you accidentally leave the TV on a early 90's horror/teen flick like .... oh... I don't know.... maybe "The Lost Boys", which in case you don't know is a film about teenagers fighting vampires in northern California. While I was laying on my bed in serious nap mode this particular film was playing on a premium channel, which means all the swearing, violence, and overall bad acting from the original "R"-rated screen version was being relayed into my personal slumberville. Sometime in the middle of this "siestorama" a certain aforementioned young lady came wandering into my bedroom, seated herself next to me, and watched the majority of this film as I did my best Ichabod Crane impersonation.

Within a two weeks, my stepdaughter was quizzing my wife over the phone as to why Hannah seemed to be a big fan of a certain vampire film that she was fairly sure that she had not watched at their apartment. Unfortunately for me, Hannah at this age was old enough to eventually fess up as to how she became a big fan of this particular celluloid event, so my secret was out.

I was again in the limelight for my daytime nocturnal activities about a year later. Hannah was heard to relay the following profound diatribe:

"ACK ACK.... ACK ACK..... ACK ACK....."

Meaningless dribble, unless you happen to look at what was showing on the Sunday Fox TV movie the weekend before when Hannah stayed over.



Ooppss.... looks like another classic was showing that weekend.....







Anyway... the moral of the story is try not to sleep with the TV on... unless you have it on the Disney channel....

Tour de Farce

Dear Bro,

As you fondly remember from our days in the early 80's living in Paris, all of France would stop to stare at their televisions for the duration of July to watch hundreds of men with very little body fat peddle furiously through the provinces of France in an attempt to become the next champion cyclist in the "Tour de France".

Needless to say, all of the participants from our days in France have long retired to telling boring stories of their exploits to disinterested strangers in sidewalk cafes all around Europe, as they smoke Gauloises and/or Giantes and sip the adult beverage of their choice. Lets just forget about them for now, shall we?

But since you are sitting in the desert with sweat dripping from your eyebrows wondering when the dickens you get to come home, I figured you probably have not keep up to date with the current crop of riders. Thus here is a refresher:




This is a picture of last year's winner, Floyd Landis. He made a miraculous comeback on the final stage of the 2006 mountain phase after a total collapse the previous day. It was the stuff of legends!!! Unfortunately, it was also the stuff of a compulsory drug test, which he failed. Floyd claimed his innocence and said that the backup sample taken at the time would clear his good name. It didn't, and needless to say Floyd sat out this year's Tour. In fact, once the ruling body comes down with it's decision, Floyd could be the first winner to be stripped of his title. Way to go Floyd... U.S.A.!!! U.S.A.!!!! U.S.A.!!!!

This is Kazakhstan cyclist Alexander Vinokourov, who proved to be a gutsy rider this year in the Tour as he injured both knees early on but managed to win the first time trial and the 15th stage through the mountains. This is the stuff that Tour cyclists are made of!!!! Unfortunately, yesterday on July 24 it was announed that Vinokourov was also made of something illegal as he failed the doping test following his individual time trial victory. Following the announcement of the positive test, his whole team withdrew from the race and he left the Tour with his tail between his legs.



This nice Italian fellow is Christian Moreni, a rider for the European insurance company Cofidis team. Those two nice gentlemen on either side of him are commonly known as "gendarmes", who were given the honor of arresting Mr. Moreni after the results of his drug test from earlier in the race came to light. It appears Mr. Moreni's doping drug of choice is illegal in France and the nice gentlemen had several questions to ask Mr. Moreni in regards to this matter. Scandal and an Italian who doesn't play football? What are the odds?

And this is Danish rider Michael Rasmussen, who is seen here in the final days of this year's Tour wearing the Yellow jersey, meaning he is in the lead and on course to win. Too bad Rasmussen was removed by his team, Rabobank, after this stage, as the team cited internal code violations and fired him. Now between you, me and the wall, I personally thing it is kind of fishy that the person about to win the Tour de France is unceremoniously fired by his team and kicked off the Tour. It will leak out later, but my sources are telling me that he broke curfew one too many times...... yeah... that's it.....

And finally... this is Bernard Hinault.... he is a five time winner of the Tour de France between 1978 & 1985. He was known as the "
Badger" and was very intimidating to the point of arrogance. He is probably sitting at cafes, smoking Gitanes, and wondering what the hell happened to his beloved sport....

Jumping the Shark...

Dear Bro,

There is an old TV term called "jumping the shark". Actually, Wikipedia does a good job in defining it:

"Jumping the shark is a metaphor for the tipping point at which a TV series passes its peak or introduces plot twists which are inconsistent with what has preceded them. Once a show has jumped the shark, the viewer senses a noticeable decline in quality or feels the show has undergone too many changes to retain its original charm.[1] The term derives from an episode of Happy Days in which Fonzie jumped over a shark while on water skis".

Now personally, I have been waiting for the last couple of years for this whole "reality" TV business to jump the shark. I know the networks love it because they don't have to pay huge dollars to produce sitcoms or dramas with overpaid actors, however for the average viewer (aka - me) it has gone beyond irritating and into the "boycott television" phase. Watching staged reactions of annoying people put into idiotic predicaments ranks right up there with a good herbal enema or a 5 hour root canal on my personal scale of enjoyment.

I thought we were jumping the shark about two years ago when some lame network executive tried to boost the incredibly asinine concept of a young lady trying to figure out which of the aging balding men in a group was in fact her father. I think it was pulled before it started because I could not find any reference on the web for it, however it would have definitely been "great white hopping" material if it had made it onto the airwaves.

Now I think we are there...

CBS is proud to present on Wednesday nights in the upcoming season: KID NATION !!!!

This is how they describe it:

40 children, 40 days, no adults—eager to prove they can build a better world for tomorrow in the new reality series KID NATION. Settling in Bonanza City, New Mexico, once a thriving mining town but now deserted, these kids, ages 8 to 15 and from all walks of life, will build their own new world, pioneer-style. They will confront grown-up issues while coping with the classic childhood emotions of homesickness, peer pressure and the urge to break every rule. Episodes end with a town meeting in which the kids award one child a gold star worth $20,000, all leading to the grand finale, with an unimaginable test, the biggest awards and a special surprise for every child.

All I can say in response to this obvious stroke of insanity:

"Shoot me now !!!"

It is bad enough that we have to embarrass and shame adults for fun and profits in this realm called "Reality", but nooooooooooo.... that isn't enough is it... they have a better idea... let's scar some kids for life in the never ending quest for TV ratings. Better yet, lets make sure they have very little guidance....

I mean, lets face it, most viewing content involving children running things usually is wholesome entertainment that is perfect for a night of view with the family. For example:

Lord of the Flies: yup, the one where the kids are trapped on an island and form a strong bond via a counch shell and a pair of eyeglasses ... probably a lot like this Kid Nation business is going to be like... oh wait... I forgot... this one doesn't turn out that good, does it....

Children of the Corn: This fun little ditty involves religion and children as a kid preacher named Isaac goes to a farm town and gets all the kids there to kill all the adults.... oh wait... that doesn't end well either....

Oh well... I think you get the picture....

Frenemies...

Dear Bro,

It appears that with the "in" people now-a-days it is common to have what is referred to as a "frenemy", someone who courted as a friend but (in the case of Hollywood) says nasty things about your behind your back.

Gee... I though that was just what friends do in Hollywood....

So in the interest of keeping up with this hip dynamic culture that we live in I have decided that we need to introduce some new terms into the English language so we can properly express our
thoughts to each other with a minimum of words.

"Turger" - Lets start with a real easy one, this is a turkey burger, something a soldier like yourself in Iraq going to see about as often as a commanding officer leaving a forward operating base in anything other than a helicopter.

"Realony" - A nice combination of Reality TV and baloney and/or phony ... don't really have to say anything else about this one, do I?

"Chillax" - Chill and relax, courtesy of local Cincinnati attorney Deb Adams, or actually, courtesy of her teenage children.

"Jed Bull" - It appears the hip younger generation like to take Jagermeister and mix it with a Red Bull energy drink. I tried a sip at a wedding last weekend, and it struck me that this is what flat Mr. Pibb mixed with bleach would probably taste like... ah... those wacky Gen-Xers.....

"Morg-gage" - A mash up of a morgue and a mortgage because based on the amount of loans that are going to default over the next two or three years, there is going to be some seriously high default rates and subsequent foreclosures.

"Parisole" - Parole, Paris Hilton style, which means you manage to get released from prison after less than 48 hours due to excessive crying and fit throwing only to have the mean old judge send you back to finish your original sentence.

"Spail" - This term should replace "junk mail" as lets face it... junk mail is basically spam that the USPS deliver to your door on a daily basis.

"Dristening" - Dreaming and listening at the same time. This is the one where you are telling someone something important but their eyes are more glassy then the cast of the first season of SNL.