Updated Classics: Milton's Paradise Gets Lost in Translation

Dear Bro,

Since your mind is turning to mush sitting around drinking Red Bull, watching DVD's over and over again, and generally being bored out of your skull, I took it upon myself to update your education with some classics. We will start with everyone's favorite piece of literary marvel, that wacky writer Johnny Milton and his witty Paradise Lost. As usual, I took a few liberties....

Book 1: LOUIE GETS BOUNCED.

In the alley behind the "Pair of Dice" nightclub among the garbage bags lies several individuals dressed in black. One awakes and proceeds to attempt to wake another.

Beezer: "Louie, (slap on face) ... Louie... wake up..."

Louie: "*%#$ me to tears... what the )$%* happened"

Beezer: "Oh dude, it was major. We were so kicked out of the club. You pissed off the old man so bad that he sent Sonny and some gumbahs down from his office and had them totally kick your ass, dude!. We are so banned for life. The old man told that bouncer Mikey that if we try to come in again to waste us all."

Louie: "Oh, man... what is that smell."

Beezer: "Dude, you're lying in garbage."

Louie: "Oh...."

Book 2: PAYBACK, DUDE!

Later that night at a seedy hotel.

Louie: "We are so $*(#^%!"

Beezer: "Not so fast dude!, got some 411 from a bro at the Pair. He says the old man is gonna open a new club called E-den for his new clientèle. If one of us could get past the door we could total !*% ^ up his plans and ruin the joint."

Louie: "Dude, that wouldn't get us back into the Pair."

Beezer: "No way Louie, we are totally banned from there. But the old guy really grooves on his new clientèle so we could total screw them over as well. Make them spend all their time in a #)%$hole like this. "

Louie: "Dude, that is so awesome. I'm there!"

Book 3: LOUIE TALKS JIVE, BIG DADDY FLINCHES

At the subway station.

Ticketman: Next!

Louie: Dude, I'm lost. I'm looking for that new club that just opened.

Ticketman: Louie? Hey man ... what's shakin'... it's me, Uriel.

Louie: Dude, I'm not Louie...

Ticketman: Oh, my bad. That new place the E-den. Is that the one?

Louie: Yeah.

Ticketman: Here it is on the map. That's be $5. NEXT!

Meanwhile, in the upstairs office at the Pair of Dice club.

The Old Man: That darn Louie, I just got word he is headed to the new joint.

Sonny: Poppa, let me go over there, straighten him out some.....

The Old Man: Forgetaboutit..... new clientelle gotta learn to take care of themselves anyway...

Book 4: LOUIE GETS BUSTED

In the E-Den Club.

Louie: "Oh man, this place rocks!"

Louie spots Edie and Steve, the new clientelle, over by the main bar in front of the dance floor. He approaches Edie as Steve is talking to a bouncer some distance away.

Louie: " Hey flygirl, y0u are too fine! Show me your $%&#s."

Edie: "Eeww, man you are slimey."

The bouncer approaches.

Bouncer: Okay you... your outta here!

Louie: "Come on Gab, it's me.. Louie."

Bouncer: " The Old Man don't want you here, so git the ^*@$ out!"

Louie: "You always were an $(#@&, Gab."

Book 5,6,7, & 8: RAPPER GIVES THE 411

Later in the E-den Club.

Edie: "Steve, that creep wanted me to show him my $(%^s."

Steve: "Well gosh Edie, they are pretty nice (#%&!*."

Edie: "Thank you Stevie, that is very kind of you. But you know that the sign on the wall by the door says no flashing, or we get tossed. But I wonder who that guy was."

A tall black gentlemen wearing lots of jewelry comes over to Steve & Edie. He introduces himself as Raph, aka the rapper.

The Rapper: "Let me lay it on ya in a song."

Drum machine and DJ scratching records suddenly appear in the background.

The old man pulled me aside and sent me on a mission
Telling you the 411 is my commission
Let me start by making an admission
That dude is Louie and he's bad so you better just listen
Louie was the captain in the old man's posse
But his son came along and got in his face bossy
Louie had a cow about the new arrangement
Gather up his soldiers and shared his judgment
The old man disagreed and cut loose Sonny
caught Louie in his club and made him bloody

Now this club is new and for your pleasure
Have fun and create memories you can treasure
But avoid that Louie like he is on fire
Cause he's foul and he's evil and an out & out liar
And remember in here there is no flashin'
cause you do it and we see it and you both be dashin'
Word.....

Book 9: LOUIE'S REVENGE

Next night at the E-Den. Steve and Edie are hanging by the bar in their usual spot. Louie has returned dressed in a disguise as a lounge lizard.

Steve: "Hey Edie, I gotta take a leak. Back in a flash."

Louie approaches Edie.

Louie: "Why you look totally stunning young lady."

Edie: "Why thank you kind sir."

Louie: "I run a modeling agency, I think you would make a great model."

Edie: "Really!"

Louie: "You betcha, doll. I would just have to see either your (#%&%s or your #(%%^& before I can sign you up, but I think you have the looks and talent to make it big."

Edie: "I really should talk to Steve first...."

Louie: "Whatever, but I need a decision tonight, toots."

Steve comes back from the bathroom. Edie runs to him and starts telling him about the offer. They walk over to Louie.

Steve: "She says you can get her a modeling gig?"

Louie: "Yup, can get you signed on as well, you handsome stud you. All you gotta do is drop trow and show me your #(%&$.

Steve and Edie whisper to each other, appear to argue, then turn to Louie. Edie lifts her shirt top and Steve drops trow. Louie lets out a yell and leaves.

Steve: "Uh oh... he left... and no contract. Plus I think we are on CCTV. Edie, I think we screwed the pooch."

Edie starts to cry. Several bouncers approach.

Book 10: IT's A CF, MAN!

Meanwhile, back at the office over the Pair of Dice.

Old Man: "All they had to do was keep their clothes on. That's all I ask of my customers. No flesh... how frigging hard is that.

Sonny: "Kids today poppa, they got no respect."

Old Man: "Get over there and deal with it. No blood this time Sonny. I mean it!."

Sonny: "Okay poppa, whatever you say."

Old Man: "Take Mikey with ya."

Book 11: POTENTIAL ROAD TRIP

Back at the E-Den, several bouncers have Edie and Steve in the upstairs office, glaring at them menacingly. They are both handcuffed to their chairs. Mikey and Sonny walk in.

Sonny: "My first though was to pop a cap in you both, but someone out there likes you, so you get off with a warning this time. The old man says you ain't welcome here no more, capisca? "

Edie: (still sobbing) "I'm sorry sir, please don't 86 us."

Mikey: "You shoulda though of that before you flashed your %*#_ missy!. But tell ya what, the old man opens any more clubs, we'll see about letting youse in...."

Book 12: DEFINITE ROAD TRIP

Steve and Edie stand outside of the E-Den.

Steve: "This sucks. I really liked that joint. Whatta we do now?"

Edie: "Let's go check into a fleabag motel and #(%^&!"

Steve: "Sounds good to me."

Quick coffee update

Dear Bro,

As I type I know that Melody is shaking her head wondering what has happened to the person that at one point in time passed for her husband. I have now been roasting my own coffee for over a month now after trips to our favorite grocery store Jungle Jims to buy the one pound bags of green coffee beans from the limited supply they have available. So far we have tried Columbian, Tanzanian, and some Brazilian strains, but after that the well has run dry. So far the Columbian is the best roast, but more experimentation is in the future.

And now I have discovered the "Holy Grail" of green coffee sources. During my wondering on the net I found the "Green Coffee Cooperative" , a group of home roasting enthusiasts who have a group of individual distributors who buy in bulk from either coffee importers or directly from the growers all over the world. They then sell it to the members on a "first come, first serve" basis. I had been watching this site for a while and since there is no fee to join I signed right up. After a couple of weeks it appeared that one of the distributors was preparing to put out an offering, so I checked in to see when it would become available and set my calendar for that date.

The offering was to begin at 6:00 pm, but dinner was ready so I left the computer to eat. As the distributor was going to list 400 lbs each of three different coffee beans with a max order of 15lbs per bean type I figured I had plenty of time to finish dinner and order some of this fine product. We ate dinner and cleared the dishes in about 35 minutes, at which time I went down to look at my computer. The coffee offering was listed for an Ethiopia Longberry Harrar Horse and Colombia (South Huila - Isnos and Temana).

Now between you and me the closest wall available, the book of knowledge I previously experienced regarding coffee pedigrees was whether it was regular or de-caf. Now we are confronted with not only a country of origin but a region! Wow.....

I put in my bid for 10 lbs of the Harrar as soon as I sat down. The "bins" with the quanities of coffee showed 300lbs of this crop available so I typed in 10lbs and hit the add button on my cart. The remaining quantity now showed 55lbs. I then added 10lbs of the Columbian, which still showed over 170lbs available at that time. But all of the Ethiopia was gone. I processed my order, which with shipping and a co-op fee came to about $70 for 20lbs of coffee, thus I paid about $3.50 a pound when Starbucks charges $8.99 . Gotta like that!

Found out after that the harrar all sold out in 3 minutes. Guess I got lucky on that one as I had no idea that it would be like the day after Thanksgiving at Walmart.....

Bah Humbug

Dear Bro,

Just had to share this news article with you. I bow my head in shame as I think that you are serving a country that produces people like this....

Grinches swiped gifts, cops say

December 23, 2006

BY DANIELLE BRAFF Post-Tribune

Indiana's version of the Grinch traveled to Lake County instead of Whoville, used a brown van instead of a ramshackle sleigh, and grabbed UPS packages off driveways instead of sliding down chimneys to steal presents, police say.

But Marcus McCoy and his girlfriend, Tanya White, do have one thing in common with the Dr. Seuss character, according to authorities: Both attempted to ruin Christmas.

McCoy and White followed UPS trucks throughout Lake County and Illinois, grabbing Christmas packages as soon as they were dropped off, said Shaw Spurlock, deputy commander of criminal investigations with the Lake County Sheriff's Department.

Selling the gifts

When detectives searched their home at 4849 Gladiola in East Chicago Friday, they found carloads of stolen presents -- some still wrapped, others bearing taped-on notes from grandmothers and aunts wishing the recipients a merry Christmas.

Smiling American Girl dolls, shiny silver boxes containing Waterford Crystal glasses, massive stereos and heaps of comforters, flat-screen televisions, DVDs, CDs and clothing were loaded from the home into a sheriff's truck.

When the truck couldn't hold one more PlayStation, a mountain of gifts grew on the grass outside the couple's two-story home. Police also confiscated a printer from the couple's home filled with printing paper for creating receipts.

Assistant Cook County State's Attorney Nick D'Angelo said McCoy and White were getting ready to sell the Christmas gifts they stole.

"These are the Grinches who stole Christmas," D'Angelo said, standing outside the home in before the ever-growing pile of presents.

'Holidays mean nothing'

McCoy and White were apprehended in Lansing on Wednesday, and are being held in Flossmoor until their arraignment this weekend.

Police said the couple trailed UPS trucks in Indiana and Illinois for about a month, waiting until the drivers dropped off packages, then seizing them. Police estimate they stole tens of thousands of dollars worth of goods shipped this season. They apparently also stole credit cards and other items from shoppers, police said.

"Holidays mean nothing to them," said Lake County Sheriff Roy Dominguez, who took a break from his own shopping Friday to stop by the East Chicago home.

Dominguez said McCoy and White have an extensive criminal history of burglaries.

But now that police have arrested the couple, they have another mystery to solve: who the packages belong to. Postal addresses were ripped off almost all the presents.

The goodies will be stored in the sheriff's police garage in Crown Point. Anyone missing UPS packages can call the Sheriff's Department at 219-755-3246.

Sun-Times News Group

Nice Legs, shame about the Boat Race

Dear Bro,

Last April Melody and I were able to scrap our pennies together and take a trip to England for Aunt Joan and Uncle Bill's 60th wedding anniversary. As part of this trip we decided to spend four days hobnobbing around London. We picked a hotel off the internet called the Jurys Inn in Chelsea. It had several important characteristics. It was in a good area, reviews stated it was clean, and most importantly, it was relatively inexpensive. The hotel was fairly new and near the southern end of Kings Road at a place called Imperial Wharf. The website had stated that the hotel was only a ten minute walk from the Fulham Broadway tube station. (a subway for those who are unfamiliar). Being the daredevils that we are, we decided to test this out on our first day. As I had already studied the street maps before arriving in the UK, I was knowledgeable enough for Melody and I to strike out in the right direction to find the best source of public transportation known to the modern world.

The part they left out of this literature was that you needed a good consistent wind behind you for the walk and you should be able to qualify for the Olympic power-walking event if you plan on meeting the challenge of making it in ten minutes to the tube station. With those two circumstances in your favor you should be able to accomplish the feat, but otherwise you will be hard pressed to beat fifteen minutes on a good day. Nevertheless, each morning we would set off for the station with reckless abandon to explore the numerous sites of greater London.


Using the tube proves to be your best alternative for getting around, as there are numerous overlapping lines all over the city that run on a regular schedule. Fortunately England has entered the 21st century and all of the train cars are non-smoking, thus allowing us to travel freely without sharing the two pack a day habit of whichever stranger(s) of unknown nationality happen(s) to be sitting or standing within twenty feet of our immediate locale. I use the term "nationality" because even though our accents clearly label us as "norte americano" we are probably in a minority in that English is our native tongue. Sitting on a tube train one would believe you are in the center of a class that just got out of Berlitz University. I think the only language we did not hear was Swahili, but then again we only averaged about 4-5 stops per ride.

One particular adventure stood out during our trip. That would be the Sunday afternoon excursion to the markets at Liverpool street followed by our stroll along Oxford Street. This gave us a clear path to March Arch and Speaker's Corner, where I had promised my buddy J.D. that I would snap some pics of the going ons there. (for a future blog entry as well)

A lot of walking. A lot of shopping. It was time to call it a day and head back to the hotel for some rest. So at March Arch we caught the Central line train west to Notting Hill Gate, where we disembarked to catch a District line train to Fulham Broadway station. The platform was fairly crowded, which was unusual for a weekend, but hey... maybe the afternoon church services just got out and everyone was headed home for tea and scones.

The westbound District line has three ending destinations on the westbound trains, either Ealing Broadway, Richmond, or Wimbledon. (Sometimes they stop at a station before the end of the line but that knowledge does nothing to enhance this story) The first train was bound for Ealing Broadway, but as it pulled in and stopped several people got off but no one got on. Next train went to Richmond and the same phenomena occurred. After about fifteen minutes a train bound for Wimbledon came careening into the station. We were near the front of the platform so there were not too many people around us, but further down near the entrance/exit to the platform it was fairly crowded by the aforementioned churchgoers/high tea expectants. We got on and Melody managed to get a corner seat, but there were an abundance of other passengers already on board and it was the only seat available without sitting apart. Thus I just stood next to her as the car filled with a few more people and we started our journey.

Next stop was High Street Kensington, where only two people disembarked and a good quantity of people boarded the train. Still room to breathe, but definitely had to stand very close to where Melody was sitting without moving as I would be knocking someone over if I got too adventurous. The volume level rose as well as multiple languages spanning the globe all starting conversing at once. The doors close and off to Earls Court.

I would have taken a picture so you would believe me when I tell you that the platform at Earls Court was completely full, however it was too crowded by now on the train for me to safely negotiate the crowd to pull out my camera. The good news was that it looked like Earls Court was a transit point to some event that everyone was headed for and soon our train would empty out onto the platform to give us some much needed breathing room. Then it occurred to me... both the Ealing and Richmond trains stopped here as well.... Oh my God! They are all going to try and get on this train!!!!

Sure enough when the doors opened a crush of humanity attempted to pile in through the doors. To my amazement most of them managed to get on. I would suppose that it would also be to my dismay. I was still near Melody's seat, but I was crushed up against a pole by a mass of Japanese tourists, who in hindsight probably thought "wow... just like Tokyo" while I was struggling for what I thought might be my final breath. By some miracle of tube train mechanics the electronic doors manage to slid shut on the fifth attempt, and away we go to our next stop, West Brompton.

Now I have been on crowded subway cars before in London, Paris, and Washington DC, but this one was a first. To this day I probably still have DNA from the other passengers impress on the clothing I was wearing as I was crushed beyond recognition. Melody was seated near me but I could not see her through the riders, and for her part she could not feel her legs as they were being pressed against her seat and bodies lined in front of her like a human barricade. Fortunately, as she stated later, the teenaged girl standing on her right foot was fairly light, so no damage was done. We pulled into West Brompton and the train jerked to a stop. There was no worries about falling over as there was no where to go, and as the doors opened I was faintly hoping for some relief from the crowds.

Nothing doing...

The doors shut again with no one getting on or off. An interesting side note was that as we were all crushed together the volume of conversation on the train got quieter, as if we were all acknowledging that we were invading each other's space and we did not want to intrude further. The next stop was ours, Fulham Broadway. The only problem was that if no one got off the car I did not see how we were going to get to the door. Preplanning was needed for this one. I told Melody the next stop was our stop and she needed to get up. I am sure she flashed me a very sarcastic look, but being out of eyeshot it was lost to the crowd. She managed to squeeze her way up as I saw her head appear. She elegantly managed to negoiate the Japanese tourist that had settled between us to get closer to myself and the door just as the train pulled into Fulham Broadway. I announced to the people in our way that we intended to get off here. No response. I then started with the "excuse me" and "so sorrys" as we pushed toward the door. This worked better as the non-English speaking group of Scandinavians by the door realized what we were try to do and stepped off for a minute while we squeezed out.

As the train left the station we could see the same scenario in every car as they passed. People piled together inside as the train ran to it's next destination. Very strange doings for a Sunday afternoon. Must be one hell of a tea room they are all headed to.

We finally get back to the hotel to rest. I read for a little while as Melody channel surfs on the five channels that are known as "British TV". On BBC One we see a commentator standing on a bridge shouting above a crowd into a microphone.

"Today's race should prove to be one of the more competitive in recent memory" she yelled. She was standing on Putney bridge, the starting point of the annual Oxford-Cambridge boat race on the Thames, and two train stops beyond where we got off.

Bingo!

Life as a Bengals fan 1990 - 2002

Dear Bro,

Since I live in Cincinnati, there is an ordinance somewhere on local books that states you must support the Cincinnati Bengals at all times to be considered a true Cincinnatian. Not too difficult if you are male and have a pulse, which of course are the only general requirements for you to enjoy a good game of American football while freely consuming large quantities of unhealthy foods and adult libations, aka beer. Grunting is optional.

As you know, I returned to Cincinnati from exile in California back in 1990 and thus began my affair with the temptress known as the Cincinnati Bengals in that year. I had learned the rules of the game from our formative years as young hooligans living at Highland Greens and The Fountains back in the early 70's, but returning from my self imposed banishment on the west coast allowed me to fully develop my "inter-Bengaldom" so to speak. And so began an epic journey that, in hindsight, had a closer resemblance to "Night of the Living Dead" then to "Brian's Song".

Lets walk down that path together shall we...

1990 - The Bengals triumphantly trounced all their AFC central to win the AFC central title. A continuation of that great 1988 team that went all the way to the Superbowl in Miami only to beaten in the last two minutes (for the second time in the decade) by some no-named lame"0" quarterback by the name of Joe Montana. On to glory? Almost... made it to the second round of the playoffs before the then LA Raiders had the unmitigated gall to defeat my beloved Bengals 20-10. Well...there is always next year.....

1991 - And this ain't the year. We lose the first eight games of the season to put the team squarely in the race for the number one pick in the next year's rookie draft. End the season at 3-13. Simple terrible, but hey... every now and then you are going to have a season you just forget and throw away... this is that season. The coach, Sam Wyche, claims he has been fired. The owner, Mike Brown, claims he quit. Either way, adios Sam and hello .... Dave Shula???? Dont' you mean the great Miami coach Don Shula, one of the greatest football minds on the planet?.... Nope, this is his son. I hope great coaching is genetic..... time to get back to winning baby!!!!

1992 - And away we go!! Throw away season is over as the Bengals win their first two games. Superbowl here we come!!! Then we proceed to go on a five game skid. Ouch! The team turns it around for two more battles, only to realize their true destiny and perform a "double down" by then proceeding to lose another five in a row. By end of the season we are 5-11. Okay, pretty bad, but at least it ain't 3-13!!!!

1993- This is the year baby!!!! The year of the Bengals!!! We are going all the way... all the way to the basement... Can't catch a break as they lose their first ten games.... god this is getting old.... back to 3-13... the Dave Shula era is off to a bad start... but there is still hope...

1994- Lose the first 8 of the season.... ESPN is now making "Bungal" jokes. I have taken to wearing a grocery bag over my head with holes cut in it so if anyone looks in my living room they won't be able to tell it is me still watching this putrid scene of despair entitled the Cincinnati Bengals. .... this is really getting pathetic.. but we are real close to turning the corner. I know because owner Mike Brown keeps telling us so... Dave Shula has it all worked out. Back to back 3-13 seasons. This is growing old quickly.

1995- On the right track!!!! Bengals trade up to the top pick in the draft to take Penn State running back Ki-Jana Carter, a can't miss pick. The second time he carries the ball in the first preseason game against Detroit he manages to tear almost every piece of tissue associated with his knee and sits out the entire season. Bengals are finally improving however as they finish 7-9 and only two wins from the playoffs.... yeah baby... we are on our way...

1996- We lose 6 of the first seven games .. I am disgusted beyond reasonable thought... Shula gets the heave-ho for long time Bengal player/asst. coach Bruce Coslet. He manages to win 7 of last 9 to bring the team to an 8-8 record. I am still skeptical. Six years... no glory... getting very old...

1997- 7-9 season... we are going backward. I am beginning to think I should apply for the coaching job.... Bruce ain't getting it done....

1998- I am close to capitulating. Bengals go 2-3 at beginning of the year and then lose the next nine in a row. I am now officially disgusted. I must be Job as I am constantly being tested. Did I do something wrong in a prior life? Did one of my ancestors kill a pope? Was one of my ancestors a particularly bad pope? We must be cursed... 3-13 season.... again....

1999- 4-12 I am in pain. This is beyond painful. Dante missed a level of hell in the Divine Comedy? The 6th circle of "Cincinnatius Leo". Myself and other masochists of the Bengal variety are again forced to sit through a season of agony. I need pills... powerful pills....

2000- Paul Brown stadium opens. Bengals start 0-3. Coslet fired. Replaced by defensive coordinator Dick Labeau...
the horror....... the horror.... the horror....
season ends 4-12

2001- 6-10 ... called an improvement.. the right path... THE RIGHT PATH!!!! sounds like an Ecuadorian terrorist organization. I am now becoming incapable of complete sentences or even words.... everything getting dark.... feel faint.... slipping into a coma.....

2002- Lose first four games by 119-23. I am converting to Hinduism because of all their numerous lesser gods there must be a little known American football deity that can help this woeful display of incompetence. Either that or a wraithful god-fan that can wipe out the entire organization so we can start anew. Finished 2-14. I am sitting in Lotus position listening to Ravi Shankar...

OOOOHHHHHMMMMMM OOOOOOHHHHHHMMMMMMM OOOOOHHHHMMMMM

Preparing for Xmas

Dear Bro,

It seems like only a few weeks ago that I was out on the Joyce park bike trail cycling away to my heart's content. Oh wait... we had a warm spell... that was a few weeks ago. Anyway, December has rolled around again and that of course means the Christmas season is upon us. The North American tradition of drinking lots of eggnog, stringing lights all over the outside (and inside) of your house, filling your front yard with plastic replicas of Frosty, Santa, and reindeer, and spending large amounts of money on numerous presents for friend and relatives who will end up returning more than 1/2 of the gifts they received is in full swing here in the States.

This year with the passing of Melody's brother in July, her mom in October, and the tragic death of our neighbor Terry during the summer, we decided to tone down our decorating on the outside of the house. In past years regardless of the weather I would be scaling a ladder and string colored lights all around the outside of the house.

So instead we left Rudolf and the colored lights in the attic and rethought how we would celebrate the holiday season on the outside of the house. Melody made a trip to the local Lowes home improvement store and picked up a couple of reefs to put on the front of the garage. Very subtle... unlike the usual American gaudy display we hardily endorse and participate in on an annual basis. In normal years the two large bushes by the garage door would be blanked with Christmas lights, Oh heck... here... let me show you...



Not the best photo in the world but you can clearly see the lunacy we go to in normal years to use as much electricity as a small third world country to illuminate our small stake holding. So alas, Ruddy will not be shining beside numerous colored lights strung about my house and driveway this year. Instead, we decided on something more simple...






So we add additional reefs on the living room window and front door to add to the effect. Of course it would not be Christmas without at least some lights out front, so in honor of this tradition we placed the three mini-trees you see before you. Gonna win an award for most extravagant decorations? Not a chance... Keeps some poker chips on the table? You betcha....


So that's it for the outside of the house this year for Xmas. Look for a future posting to see the insanity continued on the indoors.

Hoping there is not too much sand in your boots....

Your bro...

Writing Class at work

Last week we had an optional writing class that we were able to attend as part of our continuing education here at my work. As part of the three hour session, we were each assigned a different type of business letter to write. My particular assignment was to write a letter to an employee who was constantly late for work, sloppy in appearance, and not as productive as the rest of the bunch. The catch was that it had to be a nice letter. As usual I had to put my own twist on it.

So here we go:

Dear George,

It is hard to believe that you have been with us for almost seven years as it feels like almost yesterday since you became a welcome addition to our small team. We sincerely hope that you are happy with your position and continue to grow with Spacely Space Sprockets as we face the new and exciting challenges ahead.

Mr. Spacely has asked me to assist you in becoming a more valued member of our management team, and, as HR director, I would be performing a disservice if I did not take the time to point out some areas of improvement that would assist you in better performing your duties here at Spacely Space Sprockets.

May I point out for your consideration that your normal working hours are 8:30 to 11:30 and by arriving and leaving on time allows us to properly synchronize our sprocket production quotas based on your availability to push your assigned button during this three hour period. Deviation from this schedule can have dire affects on our ability to thrive in the competitive machine gear market, and as you are well aware W.C. Cogswell & Co. would like nothing better than to take away some of our valued customers. I trust you understand the seriousness of this matter, as Mr. Spacely has taken time out of his day in the past to point this and other matters out to you on a regular basis, but as an organization we felt it important to document the issues so we could better address them with you and put them behind us.

In addition, it has been noted that on more than one occasion your office attire has not been up to company standards. Our dress attire scanner readouts from last month recorded three separate incidents where your white dress shirt had unacceptably high levels of food residue. As you are well aware, high levels of food residue can potentially cause a problem with the finger pressure of the production button you are required to push as part of your normal job duties. Even five minutes of lost production due to crumbs or other food items caught in the button could be detrimental to the future of our company, so we request that you take more care to ensure that your clothing meets the expectations of Spacely Space Sprockets. As a suggestion, a discussion with your automated housekeeping unit would go a long way to addressing this issue.

And finally, we have received several complaints from your in desk computer as to your lack of productivity and attention to consistently pushing your assigned button during your daily three hour shift. In particular, it has been noted that the daily events involving your wife and children, and at times even your pet dog, have been detracting from your ability to consistently depress the production button. I am also aware that Mr. Spacely himself has dragged you into several personal predicaments in the past, but I have received personal assurances from him that he will not do this in the future.

George, I sincerely hope you will take these matters to heart and can correct the problems outlined above. We here at Spacely Space Sprockets are willing to work with you and I hope you will take advantage of our "open automatic electronic door policy" to work with us in fixing these deficiencies. Again, thanks for your continued hard work and we look forward to a continued mutually beneficial relationship.

Sincerely,

Hal 9001
HR Director Model 821r3.2
Spacely Space Sprockets